UNC General Alumni Association

Those jackasses who run the GAA for UNC keep sending me requests for money so I can join their organization that I know absolutely nothing about and will allow me to keep in touch with all the nonexistant friends I made in college.  In other words,  it's like facebook, except lamer and you have to pay for it.  Where exactly did all the money go that was spent for my tuition?  Flower arrangements for the Friday Center?  An underground chilling plant? A watermain to nowhere AKA the neverending Carmichael piping problem?  Why do they keep insisting that if I don't start handing them large amounts of money (the first check box lists $100) they'll have to dissolve and the entire UNC system will collapse?  

I just graduated a year ago from college! I can't rub two dimes together and on the rarest occasion where I have moolah, it goes to my livelihood support fund appropriately named "I Did the Time, and I'm Doin' Fine."

I think if they want my business, they should sit me down and start handing me envelopes of unmarked bills.  "We really want you to join our club...And we believe Mr. Franklin and Mr. Grant would like that as well."

"Well, gee, it's hard to say fellas.  I thought I already paid a small amount of money through tuition to prop you guys up."

"Ah, I see you are shrewd.  Will Mr. Jackson change your mind?"

"Well...I'll think about it. What exactly can you guys do for me?"

"We can offer you the best seats in the house for any athletics event."

"Too bad. I don't watch sports."

"Well, we can also offer you unlimited bagels from Alpine, sushi whenever you want it from the bottom of Lenoir, access to UNC school systems libraries, and parking all across Chapel Hill."

"Well now you've got yourself a deal!"

And then I'd pay them back all the money that they gave me.