The Best Christmas Songs You've Probably Never Heard

For all the bad Christmas songs we have clogging up the airwaves, there's lots of great Christmas songs out there. Only thing is you have to know where to look for them because they aren't played on the radio for God knows what reason. Some of them are irreverent, more winter-themed than Christmas-themed, or just too slow to be deemed a playable Christmas song by corporate America.
1. "I Love the Winter Weather" by Squirrel Nut Zippers.
2. "Santa Claus is Smoking Reefer" by Squirrel Nut Zippers. This was actually a secret track hidden on one of their Christmas albums.
3. "This Time of Year (When Christmas is Near)" by Etta James.
4. "The Holly and the Ivy" by George Winston.
5. "In the Bleak Midwinter"
6. "The Wexford Carol"
7. "Walking in the Air" by Nightwish.
8. "Star Carol" by John Rutter.
9. "Bring a Torch, Jeanette Isabella"
10. "Shepherd's Pipe Carol" by John Rutter.
11. "Overture" by Duke Ellington.
12. "Arabesque Cookie" by Duke Ellington.
13. "Dance of the Floreadores" by Duke Ellington.
14. "Toyland" by Perry Como. 

The Worst Christmas Songs

We're in that time of the year where you can't escape Christmas music. Whenever you drive in the car, it comes on the radio. Whenever you turn off the radio, there's music playing in the store. Whenever you leave the store and go back home, there are holiday jingles playing on the television. Whenever you turn off the television, you have the horrible songs still bouncing around your head. I've experienced quite a bit in my life, but there are certain things that make me want to claw at my face whenever I hear them.
And just to clarify, I claw at my face every single time I hear these songs.
1. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"
    Every little girl's dream is to have a wild, dangerous African animal for Christmas which is notorious for being extremely aggressive and flinging its feces everywhere to mark its territory. Oh? It's not? Well apparently it is for this horribly misinformed little girl. I don't understand how people think this song is cute. What the hell kind of a Christmas would they expect if this actually played out? What the hell kind of sicko parents or Santa would allow this to happen? I have a horrible image of a house with gaping holes in it, people flattened like pancakes, and feces absolutely everywhere. Street hardened policemen would poke their heads in to get a glimpse of the carnage, and immediately turn away to start puking and yell "OH THE HUMANITY!" Plus, what's with the creepy girl's voice? I know it's a child singer, but it still freaks me out. I'm pretty sure I know the reason why. After studio executives spent a day and a half of being told "that's a stupid idea for a song" by 8 year-olds, they clearly went with plan "B" and got an adult female to sing the song with a mask of helium hooked up.
2. "Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey"
   As if to differentiate that the song is NOT about a reindeer, the singer drove the message home with all the subtlety of a Mel Brooks' comedy. "HEEEEEE-YONK! HEEEE-YONK" is peppered throughout the song along with "JIGGITY JIG!" which isn't preceded by the old standard, "Home again, home again!" And then the singer can't remember the first words to each verse, so he just randomly fills empty air by yelling "LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAA!" which apparently are sounds that only Italian Christmas donkeys make as opposed to those other jackasses. To be fair, Italy's Santa Claus legend does have him riding a donkey.  But if the Italian Santa had to ride a donkey named Dominick that sounded like an animal version of Ned Flanders ("Hidely ho! HEEYONK JIGGITY LA LA JIG!"), he would've traded him in for a Ferrari. Or a Fiat.
3. "Santa Baby" by Madonna.
   Madonna had a string of hits in the 80's and then 90's, but she's successfully transformed herself from an 80's sex icon to a real-life walking mummy these days. This song was recorded in the 80's by her, and she naturally wanted to try something different than her usual sultry approach. So she sung like a person who's just come out of a wisdom tooth extraction and still fully feeling the effects of the anesthetic. It really is different as a Christmas song, but you only listen to it halfway before you find yourself wishing that you could tell her, "Madonna, look, an 'A' for effort, but maybe you could just try singing it normally?"
4. "The Christmas Shoes"
    There's just something about this song that makes me want to crawl into bed and stay there for a week. I can't quite put my finger on it. It could be the street urchin protagonist in the song attempting to buy some sort of nice shoes, (he doesn't say what kind, but I always picture Air Jordan's or whatever Kobe Bryant's hawking these days) for his terminally ill mother, while his father is so overcome with grief that he's oblivious to everything and allowing his Oliver Twist of-a-son to roam around the city. It could be that the protagonist doesn't have enough money to buy the shoes and has to resort to begging instead of picking up aluminum cans and taking them to a recycling center. It could also be that the song sounds suspiciously like Elton John's "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?"
5. "Happy Xmas (War is Over)"
    I understand what peace is fully. It's the absence of war. And I understand what Yoko Ono is. It's the absence of singing ability. Japanese and Chinese music sound atonal to me but that's because their musical scales are different from the western twelve note scale. And yes, the women singing do sound a tad like cats singing. But it works with their music. What doesn't work in this song is Yoko in the background warbling "WAAAAAR EEEEES OOOOOVAAAAH! EEEEEF YOUUUUUU WAAAAAAN IT! WAAAAR EEEES OOOOOVAH! NAAAAAAAAAAOOOOAAAAA!" I see it in my mind right now. John's hunched over at the console of his recording studio and the sound engineer is listening to the playback and says, "I don't understand, John! We've recorded this fifteen times and every single time once it gets to the chorus, I hear a high pitched whine in the background! It's not the equipment...but what is it?!"
6. "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"
    Don't get me wrong. My issue with the song isn't the lyrics but with Brenda Lee's vocal cords which seem to be suffering the same debilitating disease as the little girl who sings "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." I mean, the Hall and Oates cover of this song was fine. Except for the video where John Oates gets all gussied up in a dress for the holidays. And the long, personal gaze that was shared between Darryl and John. That just makes me feel voyeuristic. And then I hear their cover and I start thinking about John in the dress and the stares that they gave each other. Actually, you know what, my beef is with the whole song in general, past to present and future.

How Would Rock 'n' Roll Sound without Fender Guitars?

Because I was unable to fall asleep thanks to a late afternoon nap, I checked the news and was kind of dismayed to read about Fender not proceeding with its Initial Public Offering (IPO). Not that I wanted them to go through with it (heck, I didn't even know they were going public), but it made me wonder why they were going public in the first place. The only reason I could think of is that they need the money for one reason or another.

But as I got further into the article, I read that a private equity firm owns a pretty good portion of Fender which could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. This much I know after listening to three weeks' worth of NPR's Planet Money:  private equity firms generally work by people in the firm establishing a private equity fund. This fund is created by borrowing money from banks, money put up by investors, and also some of the firm's own money. The private equity firm will figure out what the problem is with a company, buy all of their stocks, fix the company, and then have an IPO to recoup their own investment and to repay the borrowed money to the bank. Prior to the IPO, the firm will usually go around to other investors and describe why they should own stock in the company. I think the analogy NPR used was flipping houses. It's pretty similar.
This is all fine and gravy, baby, but there's only one catch. When the company is bought by the firm, the company essentially takes on whatever debt it cost for the firm to acquire them and if nobody wants to buy their stock they go bankrupt or are sold off bit by bit.
So with all the musicians and rock fans in the world, why wouldn't Fender want to continue with its IPO?
Well, if you can't find anybody to buy your stock, that would be a pretty good reason.
CNNMoney reports that Fender chose not to continue after several investors claimed that the company was overvalued and that they didn't see a lot of growth for the company. But it could also just be that the stock market isn't that great right now and that they're holding out for the right time. Then again, their guitars that are made in the USA are a tad pricey which would be hard to justify in this economy. Who knows? Fender makes their own brands, but they also make Gretsch and Jackson. Maybe Fender can start selling off some of its lesser assets until it's just a big custom shop in California with another manufacturing plant in Mexico.
But if they do go bankrupt that would be the death of an icon for the music industry. Think of the reaction if General Motors went bankrupt. Oh wait, they already did. But think of it as if General Motors just shuttered everything, paid off whatever debt they could, and just quit making cars.
Fender guitars are the most well-known guitars all over the world, and that's no lie. Buddy Holly played a strat. So did Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Eric Clapton, Buddy Guy, John Mayer, George Harrison, Bonnie Raitt, Eddie Van Halen, Mark Knopfler and lots of other musicians. Strats started off with the burgeoning of rock and roll in the 50's, tripped through the weird, experimental 60's, continued through the 70's with its hard rock bands, marched smartly through the 80's, grunged out in the 90's, and they're still being used to this day.
How would rock and roll sound without a Fender?

Top Alternative Rock Songs of the 1990's

1. Pearl Jam "Evenflow"
   
2. Alice in Chains "Rooster"
   
3. Monster Magnet "Space Lord"
   
4. Red Hot Chili Peppers "Give it Away"
   
5. Soundgarden "Black Hole Sun"
   
6. Better than Ezra "Good," "In the Blood," "Desperately Wanting"
   
7. Collective Soul "Heavy," "Gel," "December"
   
8. Stone Temple Pilots "Interstate Love Song" "Big Empty"
   
9. Weezer "Buddy Holly"
   
10. No Doubt "Spiderwebs," "Just a Girl" (not exactly a fan of Gwen Stefani's voice, but the guitar riffs are pretty catchy)
    
11. Bush "Machinehead" 
    
12. Spacehog "In the Meantime"
    
13. Smashing Pumpkins "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"
    
14. Live "Lightning Crashes," "The Dolphin's Cry" "All Over You"
    
15. Soundgarden "Rusty Cage" 
    
16. Foo Fighters, "Big Me," "I'll Stick Around"
17. Butthole Surfers "Pepper"
18. Third Eye Blind "Jumper"
19. Days of the New "Down Town," "Touch, Peel, and Stand"
20. The Refreshments "Banditos"
21. 311 "Down"
22. Harvey Danger "Flagpole Sitta"
23. Eve 6 "Inside Out"
24. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones "The Rascal King," "The Impression that I Get"
25. Nirvana "The Man Who Sold the World" "Heart Shaped Box" "Lithium"
26. Red Hot Chili Peppers "Under the Bridge"
27. Presidents of the United States of America "Lump," "Peaches" (Deadly orchard ninja swift-as-the-wind attack!)
28. Crash Test Dummies "Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm"
29. Blessed Union of Souls "I Believe"
30. Burlap to Cashmere "Eileen's Song"
31. Jars of Clay "Flood"

I Got a Fever!

I was sitting in Ramshead the other day listening to the song playing on the jukebox. I thought to myself, "By God, this song is wonderful. It must be the cowbell!" So now I'm trying to compile a list of all the cowbell greats. Let me know if I missed any:
Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult
Hair of the Dog by Nazareth
The Down Town by Days of the New
Touch, Peel, and Stand by Days of the New
You're Unbelievable by EMF
Heat of the Moment by Asia
Baby You Can Drive My Car by The Beatles
In a Big Country by Big Country, although the cowbell's really hard to hear and makes its appearance during the chorus
We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel, another subtle one between the first and second verse
You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi
Rock and Roll Hoochie Coo by Rick Derringer
Radar Love by Golden Earring
Owner of a Lonely Heart by Yes
School's Out by Alice Cooper, though I'm not entirely sure about this one
You Spin Me Right Round by Dead or Alive although it's buried underneath cheesy synth drum tracks
Rock of Ages by Def Leppard
Rainbow in the Dark by Ronnie James Dio does NOT have cowbell, but it SHOULD
Green Flower Street by Donald Fagen has a hint of a cowbell
New Frontier by Donald Fagen prominently features the cowbell
The Nightfly by Donald Fagen features the cowbell between the verse and chorus
The Reflex by Duran Duran, the intro to the song features a cowbell
Wild Wild West by The Escape Club
Oh Yeah! by Yello
Conga by Gloria Estefan, not that I've ever listened to the song or anything...Lara told me the song had cowbell in it
Welcome to the Jungle by Guns n' Roses, but it's slightly drowned out over drum tracks. And Axl Rose's caterwauling
Paradise City by Guns n' Roses
Mr. Brownstone by Guns n' Roses, before Axl got all weirded out and braided his hair
Can I Play with Madness by Iron Maiden, probably their only song I know of that has cowbell in it
Rock and Roll All Nite by KISS
Der Telefon Anruf by Kraftwerk features synth cowbell, as if you could expect anything less from them
Funkytown by Lipps, Inc
Working for the Weekend by Loverboy features the cowbell in the beginning of the song
Heartbreaker by Led Zeppelin, although it's really difficult for me to tell if it's a snare or a cowbell
Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin has cowbell hidden in the background
All Night Long by Lionel Richie, again, another song that Lara told me about
Electric Slide by Marcia Griffiths, again Lara told me that this song had cowbell
T.n.T (Terror 'n Tinseltown) by Motley Crue with an umlaut over the u, I swear I heard Tommy Lee hit the bell once
Dr. Feelgood by Motley Crue with an umlaut over the u
Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue with an umlaut over the u
Easy Love by MSTRKRFT features a synth cowbell
Dead Man's Party by Oingo Boingo
Out of Control by Oingo Boingo
Wild Sex (In the Working Class) by Oingo Boingo
Same Man I Was Before by Oingo Boingo
Weird Science by Oingo Boingo
Dead Or Alive by Oingo Boingo, using a synth cowbell
Grey Matter by Oingo Boingo
Glory Be by Oingo Boingo, could feature a cowbell
On the Outside and You Really Got Me by Oingo Boingo does NOT feature the cowbell but it features the venerable vocoder (how cool is that?!)
Christmas with the Devil by Spinal Tap, umlaut over the n
Do It Again by Steely Dan
Rikki Don't Lose that Number by Steely Dan
Jungle Love by the Steve Miller Band
Apache by Sugar Hill Gang
Rapper's Delight by Sugar Hill Gang
She Blinded Me with Science by Thomas Dolby
Africa by Toto
Drop Dead Legs by Van Halen
Hold On by Wilson Phillips, at the intro. She has a nice voice, by the way
Once in a Lifetime by Talking Heads
Heavy Fuel by Dire Straits
Play that Funky Music White Boy by Wild Cherry
Lowrider by WAR
Do Ya by ELO
Evil Woman by ELO
Neon Knights by MSTRKRFT features a synth cowbell
Work on You by MSTRKRFT features some weird bell thing and vocoder
Hot Hot Hot by Buster Poindexter. Heh heh.
Groove is in the Heart by Deee Lite
And I think that's about it. Let me know if I missed any.

Epic Metal Songs of the 90's

Here we go again. Epic Metal Songs of the 1990's

Damn Yankees "High Enough"
Alice in Chains "Them Bones"
Megadeth "Hanger 18"
Megadeth "Take No Prisoners"
Megadeth "Holy Wars"
Metallica "Enter Sandman"
Racer X "Fire of Rock"
Race X "Technical Difficulties"

Eric Johnson "Cliffs of Dover"
Steve Vai "Bad Horsie"
Bush "Machinehead"
Vinnie Moore "Meltdown"

Sultriest Songs of the 90's

I'm on a 90's kick. Can you tell?

Sultriest songs of the 90's that are guaranteed to make you feel dirty:

1. Warrant "Cherry Pie"
2. Divinyls "I Touch Myself"
3. Garbage "#1 Crush"
4. Garbage "I Think I'm Paranoid"
5. Nine Inch Nails "Closer"
6. Merril Bainbridge "Mouth"
7. Billy Idol "Cradle of Love"
8. Bush "Little Things"
9. Dave Matthews Band "Crash"
10. Stone Temple Pilots "Sex Type Thing"
11. Harvey Danger "Flagpole Sitta"
12. Busta Rhymes "What's it Gonna Be?!"
13. Cathy Dennis "Touch Me (All Night Long)"
14. Third Eye Blind "Semi-Charmed Kind of Life"
15. Jewel "Who Will Save Your Soul?"
16. Savage Garden "I Want You"
17. Sugar Ray "Every Morning"
18. Lou Bega (featuring Perez Prado) "Mambo #5"
19. Alannah Myles "Black Velvet"
20. Sir Mix-A-Lot "Baby Got Back"
21. Alanis Morisette "You Oughta Know"

The Worst Songs of the 90's that You Would Hear in Hell

The funny thing about listening to the radio is the songs that are continuously played, day in and day out. 1000 years from now, if archaeologists dug up a radio station's selection of songs from the classic rock era, one would turn to the other and say, "By God, Johnson! These primitive people only created about 50 songs during this 10 year period!" And honestly, this is true of stations that play Oldies, Classic Rock, and 80's pop music. The same stacks of wax get played over and over in some twisted deja vu sequence so that you can tell the time and day just by the song being played on the radio.

But there is something to this. Most of the stupid songs of these eras have been weeded out and ignored because they were stupid, and thus not played. Unfortunately there are some real gems out there that never were played by mainstream radio (Cacophony, Racer X, Oingo Boingo, et al), and are being "rediscovered" by guitarists and musicians in search of good music.

But enough about that. There are songs out there, lurking in the corner, waiting for innocent victims to pass by, and then they strike the listener's ear drums with a barrage of silly lyrics, idiotic melodies, and even worse music videos. But let's put some names to these songs.

Billy Ray Cyrus "Achy Breaky Heart"
The Man in Denim released this Achy Breaky Oooh What a Mistake-y.

Venga Boys "We Like to Party"
"Venga" is Spanish. It's actually the formal command of the verb venir which means "to come." Which is pretty gross if you ask me. And the song sounds like calliope music.

Backstreet Boys "Backstreet's Back"

Hanson "Mmmbop"
Terrible, terrible song.

Color Me Badd "Sex You Up"
Ddespite this song, all 4 members remainedd virgins to this dday.

Gerardo "Rico Suave"
"My only addiction has to do with the female species, I eat them raw like sushi."
Probably the most cringe-worthy lyrics.

Ace of Base "All That She Wants"

Reel 2 Real "I Like to Move it"
"Move it" is said 31 times, and the rest of the song is filled with pure Caribbean jibberish.

Eiffel 65 "Blue"
My Catholic middle school's talent show had 8 different groups sing this song. Everyone attending got tired of hearing this dumb song.

Aqua "Barbiegirl"
Such a strange, strange techno band.

Eminem "Slim Shady"
There was a time when rap was good and actually stood for things like money, women, problems, and community service. And Dammit! Eminem had to come along and ruin it!

Spice Girls "Wannabe"

Blur "Song 2"
Remember, if you suck at playing guitar, just turn up your amp's volume.

Bloodhound Gang "The Bad Touch"
There's actually a decent bass riff in the song, but any song with "love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket" is a song for pervs.

Bush "Glycerine"
Great band, but this song is awful. I can totally imagine the sound engineer: "Dammit, Gavin! I can understand what you're singing! Mumble your words more for chrissake!"

Pearl Jam "Yellow Ledbetter"
"Hey Eddie, what are you writing?"
"HeeEEEeeyuH! Hit's this awwwAAAHsum son' 'bout nawthin' NOOO one HUHN cahn understand flannel flannel long hair long hair HAH YEAH!"

Alanis Morrisette "Ironic"

Korn "Freak on a Leash"
Asking how angsty this song tries to be is like asking how many fools can Mr. T pity.

The Cranberries "Zombie"
The Cranberries had such a great song with "Linger" and then they put out this song to highlight the singer's ability to sound like a bonobo mating Satan ("ZaHAMBAY ZaHAMBAY AY AY AY AY! OH OH OH OH OH!").

Blink 182 "What's my Age Again"

Their song's video was well-known for all of the band's shortcomings.

Sisqo "The Thong Song"
"She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Thighs like what, what, what. Lemme see your butt, butt, butt. Now let me sing it again!"

Crazy Town "Butterfly"

Chumbawumba "Tubthumping"

Los Del Rio "Macarena"
The 60's had The Twist, the 70's had disco, the 80's had the Moonwalk, and my generation had the freaking Macarena.

LFO "Summer Girls"
This song or its lameass equivalent is required to be played at every frat party so that all the guys can pop their polo shirt collars and talk about "back in the days."

Limp Bizkit "Nookie"
Thizz songg rellie bloze.

The Lady of Rage "Afro Puffs"
Never before have afro puffs inspired an angry women to be so vitriolic.

And there you have it. The soundtrack of hell. Let me know of any other awful songs in the comments section.

Prose Songs from the 90's

Songs that rhyme suck.

It's a bold statement, and a half truth because there are plenty of songs I like that do happen to have words in it that rhyme. But still, when was the last time you actually heard a song that didn't rhyme and was in prose and still sounded lyrical? It always seems like songs that rhyme are forced to complete the rhyme scheme and verse, which usually stretches songwriters' lyrics capabilities to the extreme so that one stupid word will rhyme with the previous line's word, and still make sense without decreasing your intelligence when you listen to it. I've always thought Donald Fagen does a good job of writing lyrics without them sounding forced, gimmicky, or like a stream-of-consciousness deal.
But there are god-awful auditory abominations that you like, but you openly admit the song is plain idiotic by its lyrics. Jimmy's Chicken Shack "Do Right" is a pretty good example of words put together to create a song that's saved only by the repetitive and monotonous chorus. But Marcy Playground's "Sex and Candy" is the perfect example of terrible song that makes no sense with its infantile rhyme scheme.
But there is one song that's even WORSE.
Black Eye Peas' "My Hump." "My hump, my hump my hump my hump my hump my hump my hump, my lovely lady lumps." According to Will Ferrell, "No one knows what it means, but it's provocative!"

I've only heard a few, but they always jut out in my mind, and I'm trying to find out if there are more songs out there like this from the 80's and 90's. So far I have:

Days of the New "The Down Town"
Temple of the Dog "Hunger Strike"
Better than Ezra "In the Blood"
Tonic "If You Could Only See"
Suzanne Vega "Tom's Diner"
Spacehog "In the Meantime" (it barely rhymes)
Nirvana "Man Who Sold the World"
Collective Soul "Listen"
Counting Crows "Mr. Jones"
John Cougar Mellencamp "Key West Intermezzo"
Paula Cole "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?"
Everclear "I Will Buy You a New Life"
Del Amitria "Roll to Me"
Fuel "Shimmer"
Pearl Jam "Evenflow"
Pearl Jam "Jeremy"
Beck "New Pollution"
Smashing Pumpkins "Tonight, Tonight"
Soundgarden "Blackhole Sun" (Nonsensical song)
Stone Temple Pilots "Plush"
Cake "Sheep Go to Heaven"
Crash Test Dummies "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Crystal Waters "Gypsy Woman"
Green Day "Brain Stew"
INXS "New Sensation"
Jane's Addiction "Jane Says"
Korn "Got the Life"
Megadeth "Mechanix"
Oingo Boingo "Same Man I Was Before"
Oingo Boingo "Out of Control"
Oingo Boingo "Wild Sex (In the Working Class)"

Classical Halloween

I'm trying to decide what would be a perfect mix CD for Halloween music. So far I've got Hector Berlioz's Simphonie Fantastique and Night on Bald Mountain which scared the hell out of me as a kid when I saw it on Disney's Fantasia, Ave Satani from The Omen, Mozart's Requiem (At least the Dies Irae portion), Mussorgsky's The Hut on Fowl's Legs, Chopin's Mazurka No.3 in F#m Op 59, Vivaldi's Winter from The Four Seasons, Toccata and Fugue in D minor by Bach, Der Erlkonig by Schubert, Palladio Allegretto by Karl Jenkins (which you'd recognize as the DeBeers' commercial music), Arnold Schoenberg's Serenade Op. 24 (He of the Second Viennese School and the 12 tone chromatic scale), Franz Liszt's Mephisto Waltz
and finally Chopin's sublime Fantasy Impromptu.