It's Just a Mutual Cycling Hatred

The Tour de France organizers and Lance Armstrong have had a long lasting hateful relationship.  After his 1999 tour which he won after beating cancer, the organizers got together in a French cafe, sipping wine and munching on baguettes, and began talking: "Sacre bleu! Thees American's performance in le Tour was too good! He must be doping!" "But Francois, he has not tested positive for anytheeng!" "He must have feegured out a way to fool the tests! Ahh, thees American is so clever!"

And so they redesigned the tours to put Lance at a disadvantage, and made it well known that they'd like to see someone different win the Tour. But that didn't happen for a long time. As a matter of fact, it didn't happen at all for seven years.

During that time Lance was accused of doing various doping practices to give him an edge, but the accusations were countered with the arguments that he produces very little lactic acid, his VO2 max is insanely high, and he generally just trains for the Tour de France year round while racing the smaller tours that lead up to the Tour de France, as opposed to his competitors who race year round.  Tour organizers have gnashed their teeth and whined that he was ruining the sport because there was no competition, while Lance pointed out that he was handedly kicking everybody's asses which is a great feat in itself.

But through a lack of solid evidence, or a really good legal defense team on Armstrongs' behalf, none of the accusations really stuck.  But that doesn't mean he hasn't had his share of detractors and haters.  

So it made sense that when a French anti-doping agency drug tester showed up at his house recently and requested a urine sample, Lance wanted to make sure the guy was really with the anti-doping agency.  For all Lance knew, this guy could've been with a tabloid and had vials of recombinant erythropoietin ready to dump in his blood and urine samples and take them to the press for the story of a lifetime.  And, it's not like Lance is best buddies with labs testing for drugs. One lab claimed to have retested his blood from 1999 and it tested positive for erythropoietin, but Lance threatened to sue for defamation, and the lab was kinda sorta lacking definitive evidence, and they kinda sorta quit claiming it.

The only problem I have is that Lance wanted to shower while his assistants checked the drug tester's credentials.  Bad move, Lance.  I know getting pushed around isn't a lot of fun, but he should've stayed within sight of the drug tester at all times.  That way, nobody can accuse him of taking some sort of masking agent prior to providing the samples.  He tested negative, by the way, but that won't make much of a difference to his detractors.

As far as his prospects for the Tour de France go, I expect him to get smoked by all the younger guys.  He's a good cyclist, but I think the younger guys will all edge him out.  But hey, he's not racing to win, right? He's racing to raise awareness for cancer, so I expect him to have a lot of breakaways, drop back, and not win any stages.

An Election for the Ages

As I'm watching CNN and MSNBC, I keep seeing reporters yammering away about pundits, canvassing, and the electoral college, I'm absolutely bored in the false sense of drama they're creating. The LEAST they could do to make it interesting is to predict worst case scenarios if McCain or Obama wins (You know, Obama requiring the nation to watch his televised speeches every night and applaud at appropriate moments while Joe Biden makes idiotic, sexist remarks, and McCain going moose hunting with Sarah Palin who shows him how to properly gut a bull moose while wearing a bikini).
And the commentors? Terrible! It gives me the impression that they only read the past three months' worth of headlines just so they can mindlessly utter soundbites. What we need to do here is to get rid of these worthless commentators who could make even WWII sound dull and trite. What we need are three brave souls who are used to the excitement of a fiery paced bicycle race...

Bob Roll: And welcome back sports fans, we are here outside of Washington, D.C. waiting on the results of the election, since Versus decided to start doing coverage of the election. And joining me today are Paul Sherwin...

Paul: Hello Bob.

Bob: And Phil Liggett.

Phil: How are you, Bob?

Bob: Great, great. Now, gentlemen, Versus decided to put me up as the lead commentator since I'm the American on board. I say me being lead commentator could be pretty interesting. What do you guys have to say? [flashes toothy grin]

Paul: I would have to agree with you, Bob. It's often hard for me to tell what you're thinking or why you're thinking of whatever it is the thing that you're thinking of.

Phil: Bob, given your proclivity towards humor, this possibly the most entertaining political commentary we have witnessed.

Bob: Great, great, fantastic. Now, Obama and McCain. They're both great guys and I had the chance to meet them before the start of the race, I mean, election. What do you think it'll take for them to win.

Paul: Well, I believe Obama is doing the smart thing by trying to elect his campaign as a platform that will result in change for America. However, McCain is saying the same thing with his campaign which might confuse some of the voters who will have to resort to the ol' coin toss to determine which one they vote for.

Bob: Talk about throwing your vote away. Phil, did you get a chance to talk with some of the voters before they entered the poll?

Phil: Yes I did, Bob, and they didn't want to talk to me. They thought I was attempting to sway the vote, and some thought I was asking for advice on who to vote for. One lady even sneezed on me!

Bob: Wow, that really shows determination and strong feelings if she was sick with a cold and still dragged herself to the polls.

Phil: No, I think she was attempting to bless me through some sort of ritual. Not really familiar with the religious incantations she was muttering.

Bob: that's some bad juju, Phil. And now let's go to Paul to see what the candidates' training habits are like.

Paul: Well, Bob, this schedule is demanding for the riders, I mean, candidates, so they'll be getting quite a good bit of calories and consuming plenty of water. Gordon Brown as an MP and Chancellor of the Exchequer made this mistake during a session of Parliament, and as a result of underhydration had a serious case of hardened bogies which required immediate manual extraction. This of course was caught on live video, and was embarassing.

Bob: So drink enough water and your nose will be booger free. I'll have to remember that one. And now let's cut to live footage of the polls.

[camera switches to polls with people coming in and out]

Phil: And now for the viewers at home we are seeing people go in and out. Rather exciting...We don't know who they are voting for. That's the fun of course...WAIT I think I see a woman actually voting through the poll curtains! We can't make it out, but she is definitely voting for a presidential candidate! She is marking on the electronic ballot with an provided pen! And she is done!

Paul: Well, that certainly was interesting, but for now we'll cut to a commercial break. When we get back, Bob Roll's prediction on what Sarah Palin would look like cycling! Only on Versus.

Clouds of Suspicions

So, the WADA and other anti-doping officials and organizations decided to retest blood and urine samples from the Tour de France, since several of riders had hematocrit levels higher than the normal upper limit of 49%. They got a little antsy, especially when Ricardo Ricco and his teammate Leonardo Piepoli were implicated in using a new generation of erythropoietin known as CERA (continuous erythropoitin receptor activator) which has a very long half life, but only requires a small dose to be effective. So they came up with some tests to actually detect CERA, and Stefan Schumacher was one who tested positive for the new generation of the drug. I hadn't really expected Schumacher to test positive; the doping officials stated that about 30 riders were under suspicion for having high hematocrit levels or trace amounts of drug metabolites which weren't enough to signal a definitive positive (if there even is such a thing as a definitive positive), but still enough to be detected. However, I didn't really expect Schumacher to be doping. Granted he did win 2 stages in the Tour, but the announcers didn't seem as fascinated or surprised with this accomplishment as they did with Ricco.
It's hard to actually gauge who dopes and who doesn't: a cloud of suspicion is usually proven right. The announcers never mentioned that Schumacher tested positive for amphetamines outside of competition or that he popped a positive for an amphetamine that was in an inhaler which was prescribed to him. Interestingly, Jan Ulrich also tested positive for amphetamines before becoming implicated in Operation Puerto, but he was further cleared due to lack of proof.
But the Tour de France looked pretty good this year: everyone looked tired coming across the lines (Marcus Burghardt gasped out answers to reporters' questions after winning the 18th stage) and the finish was close between Cadel Evans and Carlos Sastre, two riders who have had solid reputations of showing cycling talent and promise at young ages.
Lance Armstrong has always been under suspicion of doping, and that's unlikely to change considering the French's unsatiable hatred of him, especially since he's making a comeback. Apparently having a VO2 max off the charts, producing infinitesimal amounts of lactic acid despite heavy workloads, and solely training for the Tour de France year round instead of doing professional circuit tours isn't a good enough answer for the Tour organizers. Who knows.

However, if you do look at the list of athletes who have tested positive for minor drugs, such as amphetamines found in inhalers, a lot of them have tested positive for definitive performance enhancing drugs. Justin Gatlin tested positive in his younger years for a banned amphetamine which he claimed was in an inhaler that he was prescribed. He didn't provide a medical waiver for it, nor did he nor his coach attempt to talk to the "doctor" who prescribed the inhaler to determine if the medicine was on a banned list. Some years later, Gatlin tests positive for testosterone or an androsteroid which he claims his massage therapist used some cream that had corticosteroids in it which caused a positive test. And how about that Tim Montgomery? He was implicated in the BALCO scandal even though he never tested positive and recieved a two year ban which ended his athletic career. Now he's doing hard time for selling heroin in Virginia. Marion Jones, you say? Her husband C.J. Hunter, a shot putter and coach for UNC-Chapel Hill, attempted to make it into the 2000 Olympics at Sydney. He failed no fewer than 4 drug tests for nandrolone, but blamed it on dietary supplements he obtained from BALCO. Sensing a tarnished image, Jones decided to shack up with Tim Montgomery who also obtained performance enhancing drugs from BALCO and was strippedo of all medals and titles he'd won. So what's a gal to do at a time like this? Why, start training under coaches who have known to provide the best drugs and results for athletes! She trained under Trevor Graham, Charlie Francis, and Steven Riddick, all who have been accused of providing drugs for their athletes. All of Trevor Graham's athletes were implicated in using performance enhancing drugs. Charlie Francis is famous for setting up a doping regimen for Ben Johnson so he could do well in the 1988 Olympics. And all but two of Steven Riddick's athletes tested positive or were implicated in the doping scandal.

As of right now, the IOC is re-testing samples from the Beijing Olympics. I can only wonder how many Chinese athletes, weightlifters, cyclists, track-and-field competitors and marathon runners will test positive. Just because an athlete is under a cloud of suspicion doesn't necessarily mean that they're doping or cheating in some way. But honesty, if it looks like shit and smells like shit, what are we supposed to think?

The Great Coffee Roast

My life's filled with mundane things. But as I was roasting coffee today, I had an idea "Wouldn't it be great if roasting coffee had some sort of commentary like those guys off of the Tour de France?"

I can just see it now...

Phil Liggett: Welcome back everybody, we are here in the first stage of home coffee roasting at the dining table of the kitchen area, joined here by my co-host Paul Sherwen and of course Bob Roll. The first contender is a young American by the name of Howard Newell with several coffees to roast. Now, we know Newell has selected several different coffees today, ranging from the Sumatra region to the highlands of the Ethiopian country of Africa.

Paul: That's right, Phil. I talked to him and his manager last night asking about the choices and why they chose them. He explained to me that he was looking for that nice Ethiopian dry process character with the sweet, fruitlike character coming through the cup of coffee, and when asked about the Sumatra peaberry, he simply said, "Well, why not?"

Phil: [laughing] Why not indeed. But it's imperative that he be able to roast these beans correctly to stay in this home roasting competition. And now let's move on to Bob Roll to get more on Newell's roasting methods.

Bob: Yes, thank you Phil. Now, most guys wouldn't want to bother with this method and would just go ahead and plunk out the cash for a home roaster that uses convection to roast the beans, but not this guy. Sure, it's finicky, it can really scorch the beans, but I've seen him roast before, and he just keeps his head down and plows through it without any sort of problem. He'll be using a pan and shaking the beans so that they don't scorch and also a spoon to agitate the beans, make sure they don't stay in one place for too long. He's absolutely determined to do it in the most classic way possible. And, if you notice, he's actually using a crepe pan which distances himself even further from other contenders like Al Lawson and Bob Green. But, at the end of the day, it really comes down to talent which he has plenty of and the cup of coffee, which by the way is pretty tasty! [gives goofy grin]

Phil: Now, did you actually taste some of the coffee that he's made with this method?

Bob: Uhhh, yes I did Phil, I think it was a New England roast of a Central American bean that was low-acidity and very sweet.

Paul: Well, it looks like his pan is about ready to begin roasting. Yep, there's the timer going off, and he's off!...Now, he's measured out about 1/2 cup of the beans onto the pan, covering almost all of the surface, and he's shaking the pan. What coffee is this, Phil?

Phil: I believe this is the Ethiopian Dry Process Koratie from Sweet Maria's, I believe, a very good sponsor that for supplying the beans of such good quality. The way it looks brings to mind the famous home roasting Spaniard Alberto Vallan since this what he would've picked out if he were still in circuit.

Paul: And now, if you're at home watching you'll notice that the roast is progressing quite nicely, the beans lightening, and OH! they've just gotten into the elusive yellow stage with about a minute thirty into the batch!

Phil: And Newell knows that this is much too slow for a solid roast! He's telling himself, "Calm down, take it easy, turn up the heat, it'll be ok," but that roast stage is progressing so slowly that the beans will be flat by the time he's done!

Paul: He's turned up the roast now, but I think his nerves are jarred a little. Hopefully this won't turn into a dreaded fire like the start of his home roasting career.

Phil: And I think not, Paul, the beans are starting to shed their seed coats, and if we listen in carefully, we can hear the first crack about to begin.

Soft snapping is heard as the beans crack and expand.

Phil: And that is really something. I've always said that when you're using Ethiopian beans, it makes you roast like two men.

Bob: Yes, well, the Eh-theeopeh-ahn region produces some interesting coffee beans, and this is no exception. And just look at him! He is passing through these roast stages like kidney stones!

Paul: Looking at it, I can't help but wonder if he's progressing too fast with the roast; it's like he lit the blue touch paper and is setting off the second crack on those beans! Can't help but be reminded of the famous Italian roaster Iban Villa who blazed through those roast stages and actually won all the time trails in home roasting from '78 on up to his retirement in '86.

Phil: Now he's lining up the roast...tapered off the heat a little...steady hand, good shaking. And now he's in the perfect position to complete the roast. He knows what it takes, he's got the cooling pan ready, and JUST LOOK AT THAT FORM!

Paul: I think we're coming into the finish, this is intense! You can just see the concentration on his face as he makes those beans dance in the pan! Nothing is going to stop him from completing his coffee!

Bob: I also seem to notice that he's sweating profusely. And unfortunately for him, sweat doesn't go with an Ehtheeopehahn bean! [slight pause] It goes with an Indonesian coffee! [goofy grin]

Paul&Phil: Hahahahaha!

Phil: And I believe the beans are ready! Yes they are! All he needs is that last crucial seconds to get the roast perfect! Look at him go! He is digging deeply into the suitcase of courage, avoiding the smoke and chaff! HE IS POURING THE BEANS INTO THE COOLING PAN! THEY ARE THE PERFECT ROAST AND NONE ARE UNDONE! [pause] That was a PHENOMENAL performance by young Newell today, wouldn't you say Paul?

Paul: Indeed it was, his overall performace will be decided by a panel of barista judges determining the overall roast quality, but it wouldn't surprise me if he moved up to being a General Classification and started wearing the yellow apron or the tablier jaune as opposed to wearing the white apron! The white apron, of course, is the best roaster under 25, yellow apron is overall roaster.

Bob: And I believe we're getting something from the judges saying that the roast is good, his technique was perfect, but c'mon judges! Tell us something we don't know! Just one look at his face and you know that he knew he nailed it!

Newell starts pumping his fist after examining the beans and removing the chaff.

Phil: Well, day one of the home roasting circuit well underway. Lookout, leaders, the young American is going to prove himself and give no quarter!

Paul: And tune in tomorrow on television or wireless at 8AM for the second stage roast involving the Sumatra beans. And Bob, I believe you're going to show us proper defense tactics in the kitchen?

Bob: Yes I am, Paul. If caffeine addicts break into your home, I'll show you how to correctly defend your gourmet coffee beans tomorrow at 8! [goofy grin]

Phil: And now from all of us, signing off, and see you again tomorrow at 8.