Deep Thoughts

On Friday night last week, the missus and I went to eat at a pizza joint called Ledo's. And then all of Saturday and Sunday when I went running, I had Boz Scaggs's "Lido Shuffle" running through my head the entire time. I'm still trying to connect the dots on how I got that song in my head.

Deep Thoughts

Whenever I attempt to grow facial hair, I want it to define my manliness and highlight my testosterone-laden fantasies I've hatched while confined to a soulless, windowless drone-like environment. Something that'll make people think of Captain Nemo sticking it to a giant, tentacled Kraken while screaming "I've got dinner reservations for two at 8 o'clock and I'll be damned if a slimy sea beast makes me late!"
But the reality is that between the five o'clock shadow phase and the Captain Nemo phase, there's an awkward teenage-beard/facial hair phase that makes people think of vans with tinted windows and John Waters.
Maybe if I forced my facial hair to go out and get a job it would grow up. But until then, I wait.

Deep Thoughts

Last night I had a dream that I was riding my bike around Richmond and knocking people over with it, left and right, and every time I would knock someone over I'd yell "YES! 10 points for Slytherin!"

Deep Thoughts

There are a lot of panhandlers in Richmond that hold these raggedy cardboard signs. Whenever they're near me at a stoplight, I always feel like rolling down my window and saying, "Here's a dollar...go get yourself some decent card stock and indelible ink pens!"

Deep Thoughts

Lara and I were in Bon Air's Total Wine the other day with the muzak playing softly in the background. Phil Collins's "Easy Lover" came on and I said to myself, "Finally! It's been so long since I've heard some decent elevator music!"

Deep Thoughts

Whenever I drive into work, there's always a large sign with the "e" burned out that says "CONG STION AHD" and I'm always hopeful that it's really just telling me that there's a conga station ahead, but whenever I pass by the construction workers they're usually busy scratching themselves and not forming up into a dance line.

Deep Thoughts

Sometimes when I look at my dog, she looks back at me with her big, brown eyes but intelligence is behind them. 'Here! A sentient being,' I always think, 'that happens to be man's best friend! Oh if you could talk! I wonder what thoughts, wishes, and desires you have?' My dog then usually licks herself and attempts to push me off the bed.

Deep Thoughts

While I was driving through New York, I realized that it would be a great place to live there. The only thing it needs are less people, less cars, less buildings so more sunlight can get through, less pollution, less crime, and less tollbooths. Other than that, it's perfect.

Deep Thoughts

Saying someone is a night owl is kind of redundant.  I mean, when's the last time you've heard someone say, "Look at that ocean whale!" or "See that land elephant?"

Deep Thoughts

Everyone talks about curlicues.  But what about the vastly underrated curliezees?

Deep Thoughts

Often times I'll ponder the deep mysteries of the universe: How did we get here? Where are we going? Why can my beagle not stand the cold on a walk in the 28 degree snowy morning, and yet run for over an hour chasing a tennis ball with aplomb in the same weather?

Deep Thoughts

When I get old and pass away, I don't want my friends and family to remember what a kind, loving husband and father I was, or a person who gave back to the community. I want them to remember me as that creepy, funny guy who could belch the ABC's backwards.

Deep Thoughts

I've always wondered about that saying, "A stroke of luck," because it seems to me that if you have a stroke, you're really not lucky.

Deep Thoughts

Instead of a catnap, I wonder what taking a dognap would be like. I'm betting it involves a lot of drooling, snoring, and running in place.