Christmas Rituals Part 2

Yuletide Rituals Part Two

Hi there gang! Settle down in your chair, get closer to the fire, and relax as Uncle Trey tells you the story behind all of the rituals we do at Christmas! Let's begin!



Card giving: Card giving actually started with Hallmark in order to prevent you from visiting relatives. However, their cards didn't contain lovely flowing prose and nice notes, they actually contained the common cold, so that the relatives you sent the card to would get sick, thereby preventing them from visiting you, and you of them. Hallmark denied all of this during the government's investigation into their practices in the early 30's

The Goose: Sure, everyone envisions the roasted, plump Christmas Goose as being entirely European. The truth, though, is that it's Chinese. And guess what? They didn't use a goose...



Wassailling: Wassailling actually used to be something of a sport back in the Medieval ages. It didn't actually used to be about carolling, but it did involve wrestling with sheep. Have you ever tried wrestling a sheep? They usually just let you win. The forefathers of wassailling realized this, and decided to make an incredibly potent drink to give to the sheep in order to awaken the sleeping tiger beneath the smelly wool. It worked amazingly, and many songs were written about the entertaining and deadly human-sheep wrestling matches. Eventually with the building of cities, sheep were hard to come by, so people would go around late at night with the wassail cup, knock on someone's door, forcefeed the homeowner the wassail, and then grapple with him. This completely fell out of vogue with the invention of modern firearms resulting in a sharp decline of wassaillers.



Stockings by the chimney: Stinky Francis was a smelly old man who lived in a cabin because society forced him to move away. The truth was, Smelly Francis's body emitted horrible odors that tended to sicken and kill animals around him, yet he remained unafflicted by his own body odor. Stinky Francis had just finished washing his socks and was hanging them by the fire on a cold Christmas night, but enough odor remained in them to be potent. When Santa came down the chimney, he took one whiff of Stinky Francis's socks, and stuffed oranges, cinnamon sticks, cloves, and peppermints in them to try to make them smell better. Stinky Francis woke up in the morning to all the smell-good treats, consumed them all, and was cured of his stinkiness. He moved back to the city, got a haircut, and started contributing to society. Today we celebrate Stinky Francis's transformation by hanging our stockings by the fire in the hopes that the stinkiness in our lives will be transformed like Francis.



Sleds: Sleds were used by the Puritans in witch hunt trials in the winter when the lakes froze over. They would tie a witch down to a sled, and then send her off a steep hill with lots of trees. If the witch managed to survive, then she was deemed innocent by the grace of God. If she smashed into a tree, then she really was a witch to begin with. Little Puritan children had lots of fun playing witch hunt trials with the sled which eventually evolved into sledding, but they didn't have as much success with the water dunking.



Frosty the Snowman: Contrary to that ridiculous story about some magic hat and scarf wearing snowman with a button nose and a corncob pipe and two eyes made out of coal, the real Frosty was a failed US Government experiment to control the snowflakes into attacking the USSR's military bases and personnel whenever winter would arise there. Frosty broke out of the lab one night and proceeded to terrorize all the neighborhood children and attacked a traffic cop, because Frosty mistook him for a Russian. Before Frosty was melted away with a small thermonuclear device by the US Army, he screamed "I'LL BE BACK FROM THE GRAVE TO GET YOU REDS!"



The Nutcracker Suite: Tchaikovsky wrote something to scream Christmas. The result? A ballet with beautiful music and wonderful scenery. Tchaikovsky also conducted the entire thing with one hand firmly on his head because he was afraid that it would fall off and start rolling away before he could catch it.

Holly Wreaths: Wreaths had a more ignomious start. In the early 1800's they were actually used as toilet seat warmers to prevent that shock from sitting down on a freezing seat. During the holidays when relatives would visit, people would hang up a wreath outside to show that they kept a house with plenty of toilet seat warmers. A young Elias Tittle played a practical joke by making the toilet seat warmer out of a holly tree, and proceeded to put it on the toilet seat after breakfast, when he knew his old Uncle Jebedias would religiously visit the bathroom. Upon his return from the toilet, and walking in a pained fashion, Uncle Jebedias tanned the young hide of Elias Tittle. From that day on, red berries appeared in the holly tree, which are said to represent the color of Elias's cheeks.

And there you have it, kids! The true story of Christmas as I've learned it. I hope this has shed light on some of the crazy things we do at Christmas time.

Christmas Rituals Part 1

Yuletide Rituals Part 1

So the Yuletide time is upon us. So what, you might ask yourself, how does this affect me? For all I know, it's a huge conspiracy started by the first retail stores and Wal-Mart to drain the American citizens of all their finances by forcing them to buy gifts for one another for Christmas. Well, you're right about it being a conspiracy and forcing people to buy gifts for one another, but that only applies to people who actually observe Hannukah which is in fact, not a religious holiday at all. Christmas is a religious holiday, but you probably know nothing about it. Here, let me explain to you the meaning of the rituals of Christmas and their history:
The Tree: The Christmas tree is usually an evergreen of some sort and that's placed in the largest room. It is always customary to get a tree that's two feet too big so that the top of the tree bumps up against the ceiling. The origin of this ritual started when Old Man Ebenezer Crenshaw needed firewood in the early 1800's. Unfortunately, all he could find were huge spruce and firs, so he cut one down and propped it up against a wall in his house. His wife, Old Lady Crenshaw, told Old Man Crenshaw that he needed to trim it down to firewood sized pieces. "Woman!" he cried, "I can't see! Bring me those candles and I'll light this tree up so that I can cut it to size!" Old Man Crenshaw's neigbors spied the lit up tree and became immediately jealous and proceeded to copy his creation with different evergreens. Old Man Crenshaw later commented on his neighbors as being "Dang cussed fools for putting a tree up in their house! Trees are meant to be outside!"

The Yuletide Log: The Yuletide Log used to not be some sickly sweet confectionary treat. It used to be some actual log. And don't believe the hog swill about people actually burning it with the holly leaves on it and all that jazz. They used to eat it because they desperately needed the fiber and protein that only wood could provide. Historians believe this practice went out of vogue around the 1890's.

Santa Claus: Santa Claus actually used to be named Black Richard (Please no jokes about the name) who carried switches and a coal shuttle, and he had a black curly beard and horns. He wouldn't give switches and coal to the bad boys and girls because, hey, they could use the switches to torment people and pelt their brothers and sisters with the coal. Black Richard actually used to capture the bad boys and girls and pop them into gunny sacks. Then, later that night, he'd hitch them up to his sleigh and make them pull him where ever he wished using the switches to make them go faster, and pelting them with coal to let them know to stop. It's been said that this was the beginning of the Industrial Revolution as the bad boys and girls were soon coal covered and dripping with sweat, similar to working in a factory.

The Mistletoe: Silas Goforth was a young man who was very proud of his stockings. During the Christmas time he would go to all the fancy dinner parties and show off his stockings to the ladies who would immediately swoon. The idea of kissing underneath the mistletoe actually originated at one of these fancy dinner parties. The cook's daughter had swooned and been kissed by Silas Goforth the night before, so the cook was going to have his revenge. He made a special meal for young Silas of mistletoe and told him that it was fine to eat. Silas ate the entire branch of mistletoe, and then proceeded to go insane. He jumped around the room and started kissing everyone, male and female, and whapping them upside the head with the branch of mistletoe. Hence, the gentle idea of kissing underneath the mistletoe.

Milk and cookies for Santa: Leaving milk and cookies out for Santa is a seriously misconstrued idea. It originally started out as leaving out money for Black Richard to try and prevent him from kidnapping any children. Then the bad boys and girls wised up and put out a sweet note and cookies and milk with just a tiny pinch of arsenic in them. This is why Black Richard is six feet under and bad boys and girls are still around.

The Pudding: The flaming pudding is always impressive at Christmas time and really screams nostalgia and authenticity. How foolish it is to think that the flaming pudding started with a cook running out of wood for his oven, and just dousing the pudding with brandy and lighting it in order to cook it. The flaming pudding actually started with two hooligans named Fat Tom and Clootie. Fat Tom and Clootie were very hungry, very mean, and very dumb. They wanted to break into a bakery to get to the pastries, puddings, and pies, but they had no way to break the door down. So they lit the entire building on fire in the hopes that the door would burn down first allowing them to enter and steal all the goodies. It failed miserably, and people gathered around the conflagration and started looting the burning bakery, rushing out with cakes and puddings that were still on fire. This would be a great story to tell at the next dinner party you go to.

The Nutcracker: The Nutcracker was never intended to be used for cracking nuts. Nope, not at all. In reality, it was a medieval torture device that was used to put the "squeeze" on male heretics who would not confess to crimes that they committed. I'm still researching the sick perv who reintroduced this to society.


Eggnog: Eggnog sure is a great drink for the holidays. It has a distinct taste that screams of Christmas: the cinnamon, the egg whites, and the cream all converge into a delicious concoction. However, it was not always made out of cinnamon, egg whites, and cream. It actually started out as something of a dare for three young, rather inebriated, bachelors, Tom, Dick, and Harry. In the 1700's, they all tried to see who could drink the vilest drink known to man. Tom got some solid cream and plopped it in a bowl for Harry, and Dick got wood shavings and hot oil in place of the cinnamon and egg whites. Harry took one sip and said "I say, m'lads! With a slight change of ingredients, we could make a fine drink!" The change he made? The addition of whiskey.

Gingerbread houses: Gingerbread houses can be beautiful to behold and delicious to eat. But, as you may have suspected, they weren't always meant to be eaten. Actually, it was to house the tiny elves that used to live in Germans' houses and fix shoes. However, when an elf family was checking to see if they had enough space in one of the rooms that was being built, the person making the gingerbread forgot about them, and popped the gingerbread house into the oven. As you can imagine, the rest of the elf community heard about this egregious lack of respect for them and moved out of all the gingerbread houses. People came up with the idea of gingerbread men so as to make the houses seem lived in.

And there you have it, tune in next time where I tackle more difficult rituals such as the Christmas Goose and Carolling!

Christmas Rituals Part 3

Alright, kids. Settle down, settle down. Ready for another round of Uncle Howard telling the truth this year? Well alright! Let's begin!

Christmas sweaters-Christmas sweaters didn’t originate with Bill Cosby. Heck, they were way before his time. In the days of yore, there existed dragons. Yeah, you heard me, real live fire-breathing dragons. It’s amazing what you learn from me and not some silly history textbook. In these days, dragons would terrorize kingdoms and villages and disrupt daily life for people. Dragons then escalated into demanding tribute or the threat of a conflagration would loom over the heads of the villagers. Most of the times, a king couldn’t afford the tribute. So as a solution to this dilemma, he would give some poor sap, er, serf a white elephant in the shape of a loud, obnoxious sweater. He then would order the rest of the villagers to smear ash on their bodies and wear sack clothing. The serf wearing the sweater would then boast and show off his new threads, only to be cut short by the looming sight of a dragon on the horizon. Naturally, dragons have terrible vision, so they’d seek out people wearing bright clothing. Naturally, the guy with the Christmas sweater always got it. And that’s why we always make fun of the guy wearing the Christmas sweater with a 3-D tree and working lights on it; he’s completely clueless and has no idea bad things will happen to him.
Candy canes-It’s true that candy canes are confectionary treats that are flavored with peppermint oil. It’s also true that they’re delicious. But did you know that they originated from a snazzy dresser? That’s right, Elliott Simms was the stuff in the early 1800’s. He’d wear a lime green top hat with lavender trousers, red silk spats, and a harlequin silk shirt. When Christmas rolled around, he got to feeling down. So he went to his haberdasher and ordered a cane made from ivory and bloodwood. The haberdasher realized with some slight alterations in the building material, he could swindle Elliott out of a ton of money. The haberdasher went to a confectioner and ordered a large cane to be made out of sugar and painted in a twisting stripe pattern with red dye. The confectioner asked him what it should be flavored. “Oh, peppermint for all I care,” replied the haberdasher. Two weeks later, Elliott received his cane and was immediately impressed by its light weight and pleasant smell. As soon as he used it, it broke and all the little waifs in the street grabbed all the splinters to sell them to make matches. When the waifs realized it was candy, they grabbed Elliott’s cane and left him flabbergasted. Elliott then realized the fortune he could make on these new sweet treats and started his own confectionary. We now know him as Willy Wonka.

Santa Claus wearing red suit-I’ve already told you the story about Black Richard. Sometimes Black Richard needed to be incognito to get all the little naughty children in his gunny sack, so he’d dress up as an obese man wearing a red suit with ermine trim and a hood, black boots, a huge belt with a brass buckle, a ridiculous looking hat, and a clay pipe. He’d yell at the top of his lungs, “HO HO HO!” to drown out the sounds of the naughty kids screaming for their parents when he put them in his gunny sack, and would take off running much faster than a seemingly obese man could go, only pausing to shout over his shoulder at the parents, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” Upon Black Richard’s death due to strychnine and arsenic poisoning by the naughty boys and girls, his legion of cult followers paid tribute to him by dressing up in his disguise, and scaring the living daylights out of young children by screaming, “WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS! HO HO HOOOO!” while they sat on his lap.

Christmas crackers-Everyone knows that Christmas crackers are British. However, the first Christmas cracker was actually Swedish and was invented by Alfred Nobel as a precursor to dynamite. As he was perfecting the explosive substance and putting it into a hard paper tube, a rival chemist snuck in the lab and attempted to steal it. A tug of war ensued, and was abruptly ended when the thing exploded and shot off the rival’s hat and rings through the window to the outside. Little waifs then snuck off with the rings and the hats and would recount the wondrous story of Alfred Nobel and his exploding candle that shot out hats and rings. Someone decided to invent it, and the rest is history.

Sugar Plums- Sugar plums and sugared fruit for that matter had their start in the 1800’s. What happened was a brutally cold winter with its temperature nadir on Christmas. Plums and fruit were supposed to be served to all the kids on that Christmas morn, but the cook had forgot about them and left them outside in the cold. The fruit took on an icy look with droplets of frost, that didn’t look unlike a coating of sugar. The older siblings of the household decided to play a prank on the youngest, Little Hope. “Here, young sister,” they said with a guile smile “Sweets that Saint Nick has left for you!”
“Oh, goody!” cried Little Hope, and then began crying when her teeth were broken from attempting to masticate the frozen fruit. Her cries were quelled when the father of the house made the older siblings eat the fruit upon learning the trick they had played upon Little Hope. After several chipped teeth and severe ice cream headaches, they vowed to never play a prank again. Sugared fruit was created, but mostly as a gag gift to give amongst the older siblings in their later years.

And there you have it, the true story of Christmas.