Tuesday, November 4, 2008

An Election for the Ages

As I'm watching CNN and MSNBC, I keep seeing reporters yammering away about pundits, canvassing, and the electoral college, I'm absolutely bored in the false sense of drama they're creating. The LEAST they could do to make it interesting is to predict worst case scenarios if McCain or Obama wins (You know, Obama requiring the nation to watch his televised speeches every night and applaud at appropriate moments while Joe Biden makes idiotic, sexist remarks, and McCain going moose hunting with Sarah Palin who shows him how to properly gut a bull moose while wearing a bikini).
And the commentors? Terrible! It gives me the impression that they only read the past three months' worth of headlines just so they can mindlessly utter soundbites. What we need to do here is to get rid of these worthless commentators who could make even WWII sound dull and trite. What we need are three brave souls who are used to the excitement of a fiery paced bicycle race...

Bob Roll: And welcome back sports fans, we are here outside of Washington, D.C. waiting on the results of the election, since Versus decided to start doing coverage of the election. And joining me today are Paul Sherwin...

Paul: Hello Bob.

Bob: And Phil Liggett.

Phil: How are you, Bob?

Bob: Great, great. Now, gentlemen, Versus decided to put me up as the lead commentator since I'm the American on board. I say me being lead commentator could be pretty interesting. What do you guys have to say? [flashes toothy grin]

Paul: I would have to agree with you, Bob. It's often hard for me to tell what you're thinking or why you're thinking of whatever it is the thing that you're thinking of.

Phil: Bob, given your proclivity towards humor, this possibly the most entertaining political commentary we have witnessed.

Bob: Great, great, fantastic. Now, Obama and McCain. They're both great guys and I had the chance to meet them before the start of the race, I mean, election. What do you think it'll take for them to win.

Paul: Well, I believe Obama is doing the smart thing by trying to elect his campaign as a platform that will result in change for America. However, McCain is saying the same thing with his campaign which might confuse some of the voters who will have to resort to the ol' coin toss to determine which one they vote for.

Bob: Talk about throwing your vote away. Phil, did you get a chance to talk with some of the voters before they entered the poll?

Phil: Yes I did, Bob, and they didn't want to talk to me. They thought I was attempting to sway the vote, and some thought I was asking for advice on who to vote for. One lady even sneezed on me!

Bob: Wow, that really shows determination and strong feelings if she was sick with a cold and still dragged herself to the polls.

Phil: No, I think she was attempting to bless me through some sort of ritual. Not really familiar with the religious incantations she was muttering.

Bob: that's some bad juju, Phil. And now let's go to Paul to see what the candidates' training habits are like.

Paul: Well, Bob, this schedule is demanding for the riders, I mean, candidates, so they'll be getting quite a good bit of calories and consuming plenty of water. Gordon Brown as an MP and Chancellor of the Exchequer made this mistake during a session of Parliament, and as a result of underhydration had a serious case of hardened bogies which required immediate manual extraction. This of course was caught on live video, and was embarassing.

Bob: So drink enough water and your nose will be booger free. I'll have to remember that one. And now let's cut to live footage of the polls.

[camera switches to polls with people coming in and out]

Phil: And now for the viewers at home we are seeing people go in and out. Rather exciting...We don't know who they are voting for. That's the fun of course...WAIT I think I see a woman actually voting through the poll curtains! We can't make it out, but she is definitely voting for a presidential candidate! She is marking on the electronic ballot with an provided pen! And she is done!

Paul: Well, that certainly was interesting, but for now we'll cut to a commercial break. When we get back, Bob Roll's prediction on what Sarah Palin would look like cycling! Only on Versus.
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