Monday, December 22, 2008

The Worst Songs of the 90's that You Would Hear in Hell

The funny thing about listening to the radio is the songs that are continuously played, day in and day out. 1000 years from now, if archaeologists dug up a radio station's selection of songs from the classic rock era, one would turn to the other and say, "By God, Johnson! These primitive people only created about 50 songs during this 10 year period!" And honestly, this is true of stations that play Oldies, Classic Rock, and 80's pop music. The same stacks of wax get played over and over in some twisted deja vu sequence so that you can tell the time and day just by the song being played on the radio.

But there is something to this. Most of the stupid songs of these eras have been weeded out and ignored because they were stupid, and thus not played. Unfortunately there are some real gems out there that never were played by mainstream radio (Cacophony, Racer X, Oingo Boingo, et al), and are being "rediscovered" by guitarists and musicians in search of good music.

But enough about that. There are songs out there, lurking in the corner, waiting for innocent victims to pass by, and then they strike the listener's ear drums with a barrage of silly lyrics, idiotic melodies, and even worse music videos. But let's put some names to these songs.

Billy Ray Cyrus "Achy Breaky Heart"
The Man in Denim released this Achy Breaky Oooh What a Mistake-y.

Venga Boys "We Like to Party"

"Venga" is Spanish. It's actually the formal command of the verb venir which means "to come." Which is pretty gross if you ask me. And the song sounds like calliope music.

Backstreet Boys "Backstreet's Back"


Hanson "Mmmbop"

Terrible, terrible song.

Color Me Badd "Sex You Up"
Ddespite this song, all 4 members remainedd virgins to this dday.

Gerardo "Rico Suave"
"My only addiction has to do with the female species, I eat them raw like sushi."
Probably the most cringe-worthy lyrics.

Ace of Base "All That She Wants"

Reel 2 Real "I Like to Move it"
"Move it" is said 31 times, and the rest of the song is filled with pure Caribbean jibberish.

Eiffel 65 "Blue"
My Catholic middle school's talent show had 8 different groups sing this song. Everyone attending got tired of hearing this dumb song.

Aqua "Barbiegirl"
Such a strange, strange techno band.

Eminem "Slim Shady"

There was a time when rap was good and actually stood for things like money, women, problems, and community service. And Dammit! Eminem had to come along and ruin it!

Spice Girls "Wannabe"

Blur "Song 2"
Remember, if you suck at playing guitar, just turn up your amp's volume.

Bloodhound Gang "The Bad Touch"

There's actually a decent bass riff in the song, but any song with "love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket" is a song for pervs.

Bush "Glycerine"
Great band, but this song is awful. I can totally imagine the sound engineer: "Dammit, Gavin! I can understand what you're singing! Mumble your words more for chrissake!"

Pearl Jam "Yellow Ledbetter"

"Hey Eddie, what are you writing?"
"HeeEEEeeyuH! Hit's this awwwAAAHsum son' 'bout nawthin' NOOO one HUHN cahn understand flannel flannel long hair long hair HAH YEAH!"

Alanis Morrisette "Ironic"


Korn "Freak on a Leash"
Asking how angsty this song tries to be is like asking how many fools can Mr. T pity.

The Cranberries "Zombie"
The Cranberries had such a great song with "Linger" and then they put out this song to highlight the singer's ability to sound like a bonobo mating Satan ("ZaHAMBAY ZaHAMBAY AY AY AY AY! OH OH OH OH OH!").

Blink 182 "What's my Age Again"
Their song's video was well-known for all of the band's shortcomings.

Sisqo "The Thong Song"
"She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Thighs like what, what, what. Lemme see your butt, butt, butt. Now let me sing it again!"

Crazy Town "Butterfly"

Chumbawumba "Tubthumping"

Los Del Rio "Macarena"
The 60's had The Twist, the 70's had disco, the 80's had the Moonwalk, and my generation had the freaking Macarena.

LFO "Summer Girls"

This song or its lameass equivalent is required to be played at every frat party so that all the guys can pop their polo shirt collars and talk about "back in the days."

Limp Bizkit "Nookie"
Thizz songg rellie bloze.

The Lady of Rage "Afro Puffs"
Never before have afro puffs inspired an angry women to be so vitriolic.

And there you have it. The soundtrack of hell. Let me know of any other awful songs in the comments section.

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