Monday, March 2, 2009

The Rattler

I'm not sure how I came up with this finger attack, but I did. And I've always attempted to give the warning in my best Ben Stiller voice from his character Tony Perkis in Heavyweights.
So when you read this, try using his voice for this entire martial arts demonstration.


"Yes, I am glad you asked about that. The mind that never questions is the mind that never grows.  But you are right. Dead. Right.

That attack you just asked me about is known to us in the West as the Rattler.  The Rattler is an ancient Vietnamese art of killing a man with your two fingers.  The shock and pain and humility all overwhelm the senses causing your entire body to shutdown.  If you're not looking for it, the Rattler will find you and demolish you.  If you are looking for it, it will meet you head on. And you will wind up six feet under! 
Now I know we've been learning a lot of kung fu here, but this is what I call dead fu.  And here in my Dojo of Mojo I feel an obligation to show it to all of you, not to teach it, but just to demonstrate the deadly power of this deadly move.  The Marines and Navy SEALs had to drop it from their martial arts curriculum because it was killing too many trainees, so you know it's the real deal.  I know, I know.  A lot of you have the same question on your mind: 'But it's just two fingers, sensei Newell, how can the Rattler kill you?'  When I was in your judogis, I asked the same question. But I cannot answer you because the Rattler will not wait to answer your pitiful questions as they come out of your mouth! It will unleash itself upon you until it turns your bones into jelly! But you will have to show the Rattler no mercy, because it will give you none.  Now my last class that I showed the Rattler to crapped their pants, but it looks like this time I've chosen a stronger bunch without any sissies. Prove me right.

So! How about a volunteer? Anyone? You, you look like you're ready to see death's face. Heh heh, you can stand easy, I'm just joking with you.  I'm not going to hurt you at all.  Unless you wet your pants, because the Rattler can smell fear.  But I have studied its mysterious ways and can control the Rattler.  So stay fierce, be strong, and you will be completely safe.  Now, what I'm gonna do is I'm going to stand, shoulders facing you.  I will warn you once, and then I will unleash my tiger chi onto you in the form of the deadly Rattler!"

[points index and middler fingers at volunteer and begins rubbing them together]

"You hear that? That's the Rattler. And you never know when it's going to strike. BACHAAAAAA!"
[Blows on fingers] "Man, my tiger chi is on fire today! How about a hand for our volunteer? Don't worry, your eyes will uncross after an hour. Well class, I think that wraps up today.  Next week I will teach you all the 'Rutting Water Buffalo' block, but remember to meditate, practice, train, and only use what I've taught you for good. Dismissed."
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