Friday, September 26, 2008

Uncle Trey's Children Stories: Greed and the Three Investment Bankers

Gather 'round, chillens! I've got another story to tell you, and it's better than the Christmas ones I rehash.
"Once upon a time in America, there were three investment bankers working at a bank on Wall Street. The eldest investment banker spied a Blackberry in a seat cushion in the coffee room, but this was no ordinary Blackberry! It was an updated model that was due to come out next year! The eldest of the investment bankers said, 'What joy! What good fortune has befallen us, us three merry friends? We shall share and share alike with our new find!' The second eldest said, 'Johnson, quit babbling like that,' and then to the youngest investment banker, he told him, 'Coscas, go out and get some fresh batteries for this Blackberry while we draw up the legal documents that entitle each of us to share the PDA equally.'
So Coscas went out to a Kinko's to get the batteries. He was tired of being played the chump by his two older partners, so he asked the salesman if he had any type of trick batteries. 'Well,' the salesman said, leaning in, 'We do have a few...interesting items that aren't exactly sellable to our regular customers. They're fraud batteries. If you want a new PDA or cell phone through work but you don't want to pay for a new model, all you do is put them in the device you want, and it'll burn the circuit up and your work will usually buy a new one for you.' Coscas gladly paid for the batteries and went on his way back to the office.
Meanwhile, Johnson was thinking that the PDA should belong to him since he found it first. He turned to his partner and said, 'Lann, what do you think about this document I drew up?' While Lann was examining it, Johnson took his Nalgene loaded with Evian and beaned Lann across the forehead with it. He then stuffed the knocked out body of Lann underneath his desk.
Johnson then rigged the photocopier to shine its beam out into the user's eyes, effectively blinding them. When Coscas walked into the office, Johnson saw him and said, 'Ah, Coscas! Glad you're back. Lann had to run out for a meeting, but he should be back shortly. I need you to sign this document, notarize it, and then get it copied.' Coscas did all of this, and when he went to use the copier the beam blinded him! 'AAAH' he yelled! 'My EYES!'
Johnson smiled and said, 'Bahaha! Lann and Coscas, you're both fools! I saw the Blackberry first! It's mine! And there's nothing you can do about it now! Coscas, you're now blinded so you can't use it. Lann's sporting an eggsized knot on his forehead and his eyes are so crossed that all he can see is his sideburns, so therefore since I'm the only one with unblemished vision, I should be the one who has the Blackberry!'
But Johnson in his greed shoved the batteries into the Blackberry, and began screaming as the Blackberry started melting and caught ablaze, burning and shocking Johnson's hands.
The three investment bankers' supervisor came in and yelled, 'WILL YOU THREE KNOCK OFF ALL THAT DAMN NOISE?! I'M TRYING TO RUN A BUSINESS HERE AND I HAVE THE MARX BROTHERS NEXT TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM! AND THROW THAT HEAPING PILE OF MELTED PLASTIC AWAY!'
And so the three forgave each other and learned the folly of greed. And whenever a co-worker would ask them, 'Hey, where's your Blackberry?' Johnson would hold out his burned, trembling hands that could not use or work a Blackberry, Lann would point to his eyes which gave him no depth perception so his hands would constantly miss pushing the buttons on a Blackberry, and Coscas would point to his eyes which could not see the Blackberry's dark screen."

And so kids, the moral of this story is that greed doesn't pay.
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