Ripping Good Time!

HOW TO HAVE A RIPPING GOOD DINNER PARTY

Yes, well now dear boy, you say you want to host a dinner party? Well, then let me sit you down and tell you how it's done, old boy!
Now, the first thing you want to do is to invite the right people. I once hosted an old fogeys party and all the seats in my house were occuppied by gently dozing octogenarians by the time 7 o'clock rolled around. And I say, it was a frightful mess sorting out whose cane was whose.
People like yourself, or people you'd like to get to know better are the right kinds to invite, chappie. Now, for the meal, I have no idea what you'd like to prepare. Whatever you do, make sure it's simple and if you burn it, it can still be considered a meal a la blackened chicken or fish. Now, for drinks, my advice is to not buy the kind of wine that comes in boxes. I've been hearing a lot of odd rumours about it, old boy, and it involves horses. Enough said, hush hush, say no more. Nothing beats anything from the Isle of Jura or my name isn't Lt. Col. J. Algernon Hawthorne! What's that you say? Oh, splendid! You've already got the guest list and the drinks in order! Now what about the meal? Oh, well that should be frightfully good, I say. Just whatever you do, don't mix up the kaopectate with the spice that the recipe requires. They both look alike, you know. I once made that mistake. At least the toilet wasn't used. Oh, leaving soon? The party's tonight? Oh, splendid, splendid! I'll just be dropping by! Hm? Well of course, old boy. I don't attend parties, I crash them! If my name isn't Lieutenant Colonel J. Algernon Hawthorne!