Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Piano Lounge


Setting: a piano lounge and bar with cool blue lighting. Thin streams of smoke float around the lights around the bar with couples in the dark. The piano is lit up on stage and a performer wearing an obnoxious suit is sipping a martini.
Performer: Yes, thank you, thank you. That was "My Heart is Only for You" sung by me and made famous by Frank Sinatra, of course. You know, I could've got that big break...[smiles]but then I wouldn't be here performing for you [ends sentence wit flourish on the piano]. And now ladies and gentlemen, I believe I'm ready to start taking requests...or any questions if you have them about my illustrious career in fine piano music and smooth crooning...
Audience Member: Uh, yeah. Where'd you get your haircut?
Audience laughs softly
Performer: [bitter smile] Ah, yes, I see we have a comedian here, a...funnyman [pounds discordant chord] Well, my friend, you like making fun of me because of the way I look. May I ask you a question?
Audience Member: [cocky] Sure.
Performer: When you get out of bed and are out of the door, on your way to work, do you ever look at your car, uh, what's your car?
Audience member: It's a champagne Mercedez-Benz
Performer: Yes, well, when you...look at your Mercedes, do you say to yourself, 'Gee, I wonder if my car would look swell with a new license plate number, one that really states who I am?' Uh, what's your plate number?
Audience Member: Oh, it's, uh, J5T-1980.
Performer: Yes, well, do you ever say, 'You know, I think I'm going to make a statement. I think I'm going to get into my beautiful car, and I'm going to drive it and enjoy it, but I need a new license plate number, one that really makes a statement as to who I am. One that people will say that I'm actually living my life to the fullest. One that says whenever I go into a piano bar and park at their lot, uh, what lot did you park in?
Audience Member: Lot D
Performer: Ok, one that says whenever I go to a piano bar and park at Lot D and walk into the bar and sit down, people are going to say, "Hey, you're important! You should be sitting up here, right at the front of the bar so that you can pick on the performer who loves to entertain for people when he could have been just as rich and famous as you but chose not to!"
Audience Member: [uncomfortable] Well, I, no, I mean...I, I'm sorry.
Performer: As you should be, you know [starts intro to 'Strangers in the Night'] it's not easy doing this. Excuse me while I go refresh myself.
Performer walks over to the bartender with his empty martini glass.
Performer: Hi Bob.
Bob: Hi Sean. Another Hendrick's martini?
Performer: Yeah, thanks. I need to have a champagne Mercedes-Benz, license plate J5T-1980, parked in lot D towed.
Bob: Why?
Performer: $20 for you is why. Excuse me, the audience is waiting.
Performer walks back up to the piano with his martini.
Performer: Well, the jazz hour is upon us, how about "Pennies from Heaven?"
Audience murmurs approval
Performer: [singing] A long time ago, a million years B.C. the best things in life were absolutely free, but-
Bob: To the person with a champagne Mercedes in lot D, you're being towed for being double parked.
Audience Member: WHAT?! [Runs to window, sees car being towed] Nonononono! That's my CAR! [Runs out]
Performer: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think I'll sing for you a different song, one of my own...[sings] I like cake, I love toffee, but revenge is the sweetest dessert to me! AHAHAHAHAHA!

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