Have a Ripping Good Time Sonnyjim!

HOW TO HAVE A RIPPING GOOD DINNER PARTY

Oh! Hello there, old boy! Ripping good to see you again! How's life been for you, chappie? Eh? Last night? Really? Well, m'lad, come and take a seat here and let me inform you on how to have a ripping good dinner party or my name is Lieutenant Colonel J. Algernon Hawthorne!

BEING A GUEST: Now, you said you had a dreadfully dull time, old man, because you were the guest. This is expected. At these sorts of parties, you have to be a good guest in order to have a ripping good time. Let me tell you how to be a guest:
Don't arrive on time, because chances are the host and hostess will still be cooking and panicking. Instead, arrive about 15 minutes late. If they offer you a drink, accept it, but only have one. Make small talk with the other guests or hosts. Try not to belch or flatulate. When the dinner is ready, you should wait until all the ladies are seated. After dinner, you should make a toast to the host and hostess. Afterwards, thank the host and hostess personally and say good night to the guests and leave. Oh? You did that, old boy? Didn't have a good time, eh? Yes, I suppose that is a bit quiet party, hm? Well, there is another way to have fun, here let me explain to you: Arrive 15 minutes early and offer to help in the kitchen. Don't take no for an answer, but storm in there and start trying to help cook. Ask for a drink, then another, and another. Try to drink all of the liquids they have in their house. Turn up the gas on the stove, and try to set the food on fire. When it ignites, calmly step back and tell the host "I start fires, but I don't put them out. Sorry." Step back and watch them frantically work to put out the conflagration. When it's almost out, be overcome with a fit of helpfulness and pour spirits on the food to try and put it out. Watch their faces of dismay as the food is rekindled. After this, the host will probably take you to a chair and somewhat push you into it. He'll probably place an entire decanter in your hands. Thank him tremendously, shouting loudly and with a lisp so that you spray everywhere. He'll run off back to the kitchen. As of this time, the other guests will probably be arriving. Invite them in, and take them directly to the kitchen. Everyone will admire the host and hostess's sooty faces and burned clothing. Explain to the other guests that the host's gas is incredibly flammable. You will most likely be ushered into the living room at this time. Wait until the hosts have left. Then, offer up cheap cigars to all the males and don't bother asking the hosts if smoking is allowed. Cover your face with a damp napkin, YOU don't want to be sick from the stench. When dinner is served, arrive at the dinner table with the decanter in your hand and place it at your seat. Jump into the chair as hard as you can. If it survives, try again. If it breaks, attempt to put it back together, and then just stand for the rest of the dinner. When the food is placed on the table, "trip" and knock all the food off of the table. I did this, old boy, at the last dinner party I went to. Hm, that was about 8 years ago. Anyway, at this point, all the guests and hosts will be at their breaking point. Offer to take them to a restaurant and pay for their dinners. They will accept. At the end of the dinner, make a toast to yourself and force all the other guests and hosts to grudgingly toast you.
I must admit, old boy, that's a bit of tough fun, there, but jolly enjoyable if you're in the mood. What's that? You want to hold a party of your own? Well, I'll motion for the garcon. This requires another G&T and more time.