Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Wig Maker

My sister wants a wig for her birthday. So I figured it would be apt to do a story on wigs.

Dear sir,

I am requesting to you, most honorable wig maker, a proposition of making me the finest flaxen wig known to man. It should be of a brazen color to match my britches, waistcoat, and whatever few teeth I have remaining. I most respectfully request that it be completed and delivered a fortnight prior to the upcoming Perfumist's Tester's Ball. This time, however, I could do without the cup holding device amongst the strands of the wig.

Mr Peter Hoggarth, Esq

Dear Mr Hogwash,

I regret to inform you, most kind sir, that you have an outstanding balance of £30 caused by the latest delivery of one of my finest wigs. I believe it was the luxury model made of real horsehair with a series of ventilation holes that allowed a breeze to be blown throughout the whole wig for cooling purposes, since you commissioned it for a falconer's party.

Most sincerely,
Mr James Gurling, Gent

Dear most honorable Mr Gelding,

I must confess that one would be correct in stating that I have not paid the aforementioned outstanding balance for the wig, but one must also take into account the fortitude and audacity that a wig maker must have for constructing such an ingenuous device as that ventilation system, especially since the wig was not commissioned to have this system. I am afraid that this was merely a ruse to increase the monetary value of the wig and charge thus accordingly. Until you agree to the price I put forth for the wig, then I shall not pay it.

Most regretfully and sincerely,
Mr Peter Hoggarth, Esq

Dear Mr Hogarse,

I shall confess to you that my meanings of the ventilation system were not to be construed as a means of forcing a higher price of the wig, but rather as a loyal service to a dear customer of mine. The monetary value of the wig was not increased as a resulting effect of the ventilation system, but rather stayed the same. My offer cannot be placed any lower or else I would have to send my children out to work in the turnip fields to make ends meet. However, if you could but procure the wig and return it to my shop, I would gladly accept the commission for your newest wig and have it ready in time for your ball.

Most humbly your servant,
Mr James Gurling, Gent

Dear most serviceable Mr Gurly,

I have dreadful news and regret to inform you that had the wig been of a good quality that it might have survived the falconer's party. As it were, the ventilation system and the low quality of the hair and build made the wig stick straight up in the air, much like the bristles of a brush. Regrettably, one of the falcons assumed that my wig was a furry beast and proceeded to swoop in low and snatch the hideous thing off my head. I could procure the wig for you, but it would be in a rather compacted and stained state. As you see my position, I feel that I should not pay for the wig due to its lower quality and certain characteristics of it that were not requested by me, the customer. I also implore you to start on the wig for the Perfumist's Tester's ball with godspeed for I lost yet another tooth today.

Most regretfully, soberly, sincerely, sanely,
Mr Peter Hoggarth, Esq

Dear most befuddled, confused Mr Hogswit,

I am afraid that I cannot accept those circumstances as a means to renege on payment of the wig that required use of my trade, time, and material for which I devote myself wholly to. The material was horse hair from a nag of mine known as Mrs Fiddlefaddle who has produced many a good hank of hair for my wigs. If you are questioning the quality of her hair, I'm sure that she would answer to it by merely allowing you to feel a hank of her honey hued horse hair. I am however, accepting your commission and beginning work on the wig since I feel that my explanation of circumstances will be made clear to you and you will follow through on payment to myself so that I can continue upholding this fine trade and servicing other gentlemen and blithering idiots such as yourself.

Sincerely, most poor, servitude, humble, harrier,
Mr James Gurling, Gent

Dear most respectfully lowly, wormlike, and whiney Mr Galling,

I am most glad that you were able to understand the writing in my last letter and began work on my latest commission. Perhaps a barber has trimmed your eyebrows in betwixt letters? I am enclosing my head measurements for the wig at the ball, and hope that it will be of a higher quality than the fiddlefaddle horsehair ventilation system wig which I am sending back to you in a box. Upon looking at the horsehair wig, I am glad to say that I can see no difference between it and the other wigs you create. If anything, it passing through the falcon seems to have improved its looks. I'm sure you will be able to sell this wig at the 100 pounds sterling price that you so desired whilst netting a £98 profit.

Most respectfully, kind, gentlemanly, esquirely,
Mr Peter Hoggarth, Esq

PS I shall not request a fee for the falcon improving the wig's looks. Graciously accept this as a thank you from me.

Most pompous, honorable heinous cheapskate Mr Hoggut,

I recieved the foul thing that you called a wig. Good news! I was able to restyle it in a proper form befitting the Perfumist's Tester's ball and the malodorous aura it emits will certainly test the perfumists. However, the reshaping and restyling of the wig was rather timely, and I'm afraid I shall have to most regrettably request that you pay the original price of the wig with an additional surcharge of £40, or else a most regrettable brick might find its way through your most regrettable window.

Most honorable, upright, law-abiding,
Mr James Gurling, Gent
PS The head measurements you gave me for the commissioned wig did not match my notes that I made of your head when you were fitted in my shop. Thus, I went with my notes, and the circumference of the wig is a mere 40 inches, which should be a tight fit for your head.

Dear money-grubbing, swindling, thieving, scoundrel,

I recieved the beastly thing that you say is a wig. I was sitting in the veranda enjoying the good humours of the afternoon and was notified of the presence of the wig by the aroma a half-mile away. What was remarkable was that the wig was downwind, yet one was still able to smell it. In addition to the vexing problem of dealing with the scent of the wig, one cannot help but notice that the wig is rather LARGER than the measurements I gave to you in my letter. I cannot wear this malodorous thing to the ball, so I am enclosing a stately sum which will hopefully change your mind, you little dimwit for brains, and provide an impetus for you to begin work on the commissioned wig with the PROPER measurements.

Most irritated,


The stately sum I found in your letter were slugs of lead with the words: "Genwine Sovreign" and had a crude picture of what appeared to be a horse's arse. Perhaps a self-portrait of yourself? If so, the picture is far more flattering than the real personification of it. However, I was unsure about this strange currency. I was afraid it may have been a Welsh type of specie, so I took it to the banker to verify its authenticity. Why, imagine my surprise when I discovered that counterfeiting money is a capital offence! I was so flustered over the affair when questioned that I'm afeared I may have implicated you in this matter! I then believe I blustered about the manner of lax payments for my service, and some sort of promise was given as a retribution or reimbursement of my services. Perhaps a retributive reimbursement? One cannot be sure. Until further correspondence Mr HOGGARTH, IDIOT,

Most thankfully innocent and sincere,
Mr James Gurling, Gent

From: Central Criminal Court-Crown Court, London, England

To: Mr Jabs Guiling, Goat

Dear snake in the grass,

I shall get you. I do not care how long it takes, or if the Old Bailey has hundreds of guards and windowless gaol cells, but I SHALL GET YOU.
Sleep tight, don't let the Peter Hoggarths, Esqs stab you in the middle of the night.
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