Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Benefits of Driving: An Epistemological Article

The benefits of driving are many.  Driving's primary purpose is to convey a warm, living body from one specific geographic region to another specific geographic region.  Unfortunately, brains are not required for this mode of transportation which results in several vehicles manned by the people with nothing between their ears but dust and fluff, to veer across several lanes of traffic to head towards an exit ramp only to decide that they were perhaps better off on the inside lanes and so swerve through several lanes of traffic to get back to their original position while enduring a gauntlet of horns, hand signals and tire squeals.

But, if a body is possessed of a brain then the transitory phase where the body is being transported between specific geographic regions is uneventful, save for the occasional traffic detours and inexplicably horrible smells that accumulate near roadways.

But of course this primary purpose of driving assumes that a body has a definite starting point from whence to drive, and a definite ending point where the body will arrive.  Transitory points in between can be numerous, especially if the body is throwing a wingding of a party and needs several types of chips, dip, and wine.  However, sometimes a body is possessed to drive from one geographic region to an unknown destination.  Reasons for this are multi-faceted and range from the brain temporarily shutting down so that a body forgets where their final destination is, to a sense of daring and exploration that can be deduced by a body uttering the phrase, "Hey honey, do you want to try and find that store that's having that big sale?"

A brain shutdown is detrimental to driving.  Its symptoms present as forgetting where the final destination of a body is determined to be, a body forgetting that it is in a vehicle with windows, and belief that a shortcut can be found when it is a widely known falsehood.  But ultimately, all brain shutdowns lead to forgetting the purpose of driving.

Forgetfulness of the destination is vocalized by a body stating: "Hey, where the heck is the place we're looking for," "Wait, did we want to go there," and "Wait a second! This is the wrong way!"

A vehicle has several strategically placed windows to allow a body to use its vision to perceive its surroundings.  This also allows other bodies in other vehicles to peer into a singular vehicle and perceive another body.  A brain shutdown leads to the mistaken belief that no other bodies in the surroundings can perceive a body while it is within the confines of the vehicle.  This is physically demonstrated by a male body inserting finger(s) into his nose with aplomb, while a female body on the street or in another vehicle views through the vehicle's windows at the male with disgust.  Occasionally, if the male body glances around and sees other bodies looking at him from the surroundings, the male's brain will awaken and perceive that there are other bodies that can view the male from the vehicle's windows.  The male quickly removes the finger(s) from the nostril(s).  

The rarest symptom of a body's brain shutting down is the belief that a shortcut can be found, despite knowing that shortcuts do not exist on a stretch of road.  Indeed, this is also the deadliest symptom since it waylays a body several miles off the beaten path and into the boonies.  A typical conversation between cognizant bodies and a body with a shut down brain driving might proceed as:
"Hey. Where are you going?" "I believe this is the right way." "Well, I know it's not the right way. Turn around." "You don't know! You don't know anything!" "I know it's the truth that we're headed the wrong way because you're mistaken! Turn around before we get captured by some in-bred rednecks!"
A shut down brain can be awakened either with a logical argument on the behalf of the cognizant bodies in determining what they know from what they believe or by stumbling across rednecks who proceed to tell the body "Golleee! Yew shore are headed in the wrawng deerection!" with the knowledge that the body in the vehicle is headed in the wrong direction.  Sometimes rednecks withhold this knowledge and give mistaken beliefs "Well, I reckon if you follered them iron hoss tracks it should lead you to whurr you need to go. Heh heh" because they are assholes.

A sense of daring and exploration is another reason for driving without a predetermined destination.  Sometimes this final destination is elusive, with a body being unable to name it unless the body actually sees the destination and determines that is where they want to be.  And sometimes the final destination is vaguely known, but the transition from one destination to another is unknown.  All of these require a sense of exploration and a good idea of direction.  If a body does not possess a curiosity for the unknown, they will simply give up and say, "Heck, let's figure out where we want to go before we drive aimlessly around."  But ultimately knowledge is gained by not having a final destination for driving.

The benefit to this is that a body will save a bundle of money otherwise spent on frittered gas.  The downside is that they might not see things they believed to exist, but did not know existed.  This is exemplified by my belief that there are weirder people out there than I can possibly imagine.  I came to know this by driving aimlessly around Cameron Village and seeing a man wearing coke bottle glasses with military medals pinned on a baseball cap, driving a remote control tank.  I believed that there are odd people out there, but after seeing one, I know that there are odd people out there, and this knowledge cannot be refuted.  And, my driving without a final destination finally gained a purpose.

But a body might not find anything by driving without a final destination, and they then would know that driving without a purpose is a waste of time.  This could be proven to be conditional however, if future purposeless drives come across a serendipitous final destination.  However, knowledge gained by the purposeless drives could indeed be considered to be the "final destination" if not a physical destination.

The benefits of driving are numerous as demonstrated in the above essay.  Knowledge, beliefs, and embarassing situations can all be discovered by one.
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