New Portholes

My grandfather called me today and we had our typical wordy conversation that went something like this: "Hello?" "Hello" "Hello?!" HELLO!" "HELLOOO?! HELLO?!" "GRANDDADDY?" "IS THIS MY GRANDSON? HELLO?" "HELLO!" "OK!" "WHAT?!" *click*

And with that out of the way I went to go get new glasses. I needed them because my old ones are on their last legs. And by last legs, I mean I expect that when I pick them up and put them on my face, they'll crumple into dust and I'll be forced to walk around with squinty eyes and hands held out at arms length while moaning "OOOO! My glasses!"
But the eyecenter I went to had lots of different frames with pictures of models modelling them and stuff. And that was ridiculous in itself. One of the models was wearing some Columbia frames while scaling a cliff face as if to say, "These glasses allow me to see which crevices and holds I should use to prevent my untimely death since I'm not wearing a safety harness," and another was wearing some ridiculous Dave Brubeck type hornrim glasses with a scarf tied around his neck and his collar popped which told me, "I know how to show a girl a good time. First we'd get manicures together, then get our hair styled at the spa, and have conversations over drinks with umbrellas in them."
I settled on some plain ol' frames that didn't have a crosspiece on them but looked like they'd withstand being dropped a couple dozen times and didn't need to be taped in the middle. And as the saleswoman explained to me, "You get a 20% discount since you're in the military. Normally it'd cost this amount, but you save X dollars."
"I thought as much," I sagely murmured, while the look on my face said, "Eyeglass lady sure talk pretty."
Hopefully when I get them on Monday they'll look better on me than my OCS glasses. Now those were a pair of eyeglasses!

Fond Memories of my RDC and CDI

This is an email I sent to my sister during OCS. I think it sums up the more memorable (and hilarious) moments of OCS:

Earlier this week we were doing lots of pushups and sprinting 400 meters
outside during drill, and our CDI said, "ALRIGHT, STOP!...Turn around. You see
that pump house or generator building or whatever the ---- it is?" "YES SIR!!"
"Shut up, dummies. You see that bush?" We watched the bush beside the pumphouse and some guy came out from behind it while his family was standing there. He'd had to piss and went behind the bushes. "THAT KIND OF ---- PISSES ME OFF!! It's one thing to go behind the bushes in secluded areas or where there's no head, but MY GOD to do it in front of your family is just disgusting! ALRIGHT GET BACK ON YOUR FACES!" "AYE, SIR! DOWN, AYE SIR! UP, AYE SIR!"

A little bit later during the week we were doing drill in the killzone right after PT, and there was a yellow "Caution: wet floor" sign outside one of the heads. One of
the class idiots was screwing everything up, and our CDI yelled, "HEY STUPID!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!""Uhh, I, uhhh, this candidate officer, uh, is not, was,
uhhhh, I mean-" "I? I?! AAAAAAAAAAAH!" and with that scream, the CDI took off at a full sprint, punted the yellow caution sign through the ceiling, breaking several
tiles. We're considering framing the pieces of tile and the broken sign as a
memoriam to the day our CDI lost it.

While we were preparing for our 6th week PI, our RDC dropped by to see our rehearsal. We got put on our faces because of our crappy dry run, and he made us put our anchors into an open tupperware container. "Geez," I thought, "there's no lid on that thing, I hope he doesn't throw that" but as soon as I thought those words, he hurled the tupperware down the p-way with an "AAAAAAAAH!" I think it was also during that time were we got RPTed by him while he drolly said, "Everybody say thank you, "THANK YOU SIR!" "Thank you" "THANK YOU SIR!"

And some other quick quotes from the week:
CDI: "Hey stupid! What are you doing?!" "MARCHING LIKE A PANSY SIR!" "WHAT?!"
"MARCHING LIKE A PANSY SIR!"
"What's the sole purpose of the Navy?" "To kill people and blow shit up, sir!" "YES! EXACTLY! Blow shit up!"

"Hey, HEY PORTHOLES!" "AYE SIR!" "THE OTHER PORTHOLES STUPID!" "AYE SIR!" "THE OTHER PORTHOLES @&^*&#@! MY GOD!"
RDC: "Officer Candidate, you don't have any personality, do you?" "No sir!" "Well, at least you're honest"
"So, your wife's pregnant? Congratulations. How far along is she?" "Hopefully more than 6 weeks sir!"
We also have two guys named Baker.
That makes for hilarious drill sessions with our CDI: "BAKER!" "AYE SIR!" "OTHER BAKER, STUPID!" "AYE SIR!" "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?!?!" "YES SIR!" "THE STUPID BAKER, DUMMY!" "AYE SIR!"
"Sir, could the Class Drill Instructor watch Class 22-09 during our own drill practice?" "Watch? HELL YEAH I'll watch! Lemme go grab some popcorn and a soda! GET ON YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW!" "AYE SIR! DOWN, AYE SIR! UP, AYE SIR! DOWN, AYE SIR! UP, AYE SIR!"
And the other pressing matter that I have on my plate is that I was elected as the daince body for the Welcome Aboard for the new indoc class that has just come in. Can you imagine that? Not only do I get to make a jackass of myself in front of my class, I get to make a jackass of myself in front of the regiment which is about 120 people while the rest of the class sings a song they made up. Can you imagine that? I've got a feeling this is going to go down in the annals of OCS Legends: "Class
14-11, Ears!...On 14 JUN 2009, a young officer candidate started dancing during
a Welcome Aboard and the safety officer called an ambulance because he thought
the officer candidate was having a seizure. Order could not be restored until
three hours later. This is why we now recite poems for Welcome Aboard instead of
singing and dancing."

Breaking Newsflash

This just in: a model who's of the average size of most American women had a photo in Glamour magazine. The result? An unimaginable uproar in the fashion world and an appearance on The Today Show and a featurette on msnbc.com.

What is the world coming to? Will the supermodels who subsist on a diet of heroin and cigarettes disappear completely? Will models from now on be a healthy, normal weight? Say it ain't so! Oh the humanity!

Deep Thoughts

While I was driving through New York, I realized that it would be a great place to live there. The only thing it needs are less people, less cars, less buildings so more sunlight can get through, less pollution, less crime, and less tollbooths. Other than that, it's perfect.

Done Sir, Done

I finished up with SWOS on Friday and made the 17 hour drive back home. 17 hours because I was stuck for 5 in a 12 mile stretch through New York. SWOS is the building blocks for becoming a surface warfare officer and you learn shiphandling skills and division officer fundamentals along damage control. Plus, there's a cool ship simulator that you get to drive to familiarize yourself with standard commands and see how your class of ship handles.

It was great seeing the people from my class, though I would've liked to have been able to have had the chance to get to know certain people better.

Some of the highlights (and lowlights) during my time there:

1. One of the guys in my class asking our instructor, "Sir, I was watching Scooby Doo the other day and there was a ghost ship on there. What precedence does that fall under in the Rules of the Road?"
2. The benchpress competition between two ensigns with their CDI refereeing the whole thing.
3. Being able to get out on a boat and see the areas out on the water around the Newport area.
4. Going to a club with one of my classmates and getting to see a band.
5. Getting tricked into walking around downtown with UDT shorts on.
6. Getting a high and tight which resulted in me having a conversation at the club with a Marine Corps Lt. Col. that ended up with me getting free drinks: "Semper Fi!" "I'm actually in the Navy!" "Yeah?! I'm in Logistics too! You're drinking with me!"
7. Waking up at 4 in the morning because someone in the room beside me was rearranging furniture.

Scream Sweet Nothings in My Face

I went out to a club on Saturday and was listening to the band do their own thing. The club was rolling and rocking, and I was absorbing the entire scene with my arms across my chest. A girl who I didn't know walked up to me, looked me in the eye, and started squeezing my shoulders and staring at my chest for whatever reason, along with screaming unintelligibly at the top of her lungs. I should've told her to stop since I'd forgotten to slip the safety on the ol' guns and they were liable to go off at any time.

Ship Selection

For the record, and because I haven't been home to tell everybody, I chose the USS New York LPD-21 as my ship while still at OCS. You can find out more about it on its website.

Add This to My Scrapbook of Embarrassing Memories

If you don't know what UDT shorts look like, just picture Lieutenant Jimmy Dangle's uniform from Reno 911.

Now, picture me getting tricked into walking around downtown Newport trying to buy ice cream in them.