Sunday, January 6, 2013

The Beginning

The setting is three weeks after the merger happened. The comptroller and financial analysts and operations analyst are sitting on crates around a fire in a barrel. A tin can with a string through the end of it is within arm's reach for the comptroller. The comptroller is wearing a suit with food stains and holes poked through it, along with a toboggan on top of his head. He appears not to have shaved for several weeks. All the other analysts look similarly shabby.

Comptroller: Alright, dadgummit, let's get this meeting started. Alright, we're here as a follow up to our meeting last week when we settled on securing investors and raising capital for the purpose of starting a limited liability corporation to try and regain some sort of financial stability and to wreak havoc on those sons of guns who dirty dogged us. So, let's just start off with an update of how everyone is doing with their investors and capital. Aaaand I'll start over on my left.
Financial Analyst 1: [sniffs and wipes nose on her sleeve] Whatever. Doesn't matter. Siegel was right. I should've just taken the severance package.
Comptroller: Uh, ok. I'll take that as a negative reply for raising capital. Any investors?
Financial Analyst 1: Any investors? We're in the middle of downtown! All my friends work down here and they shift their eyes away when they see me! But I still yell that it could happen to them too! Nobody wants to touch me! I have the financial plague!
Comptroller: [throws hands in the air] Ok! Ok! Look, dadgummit, I was blindsided by this too, but you know what? Whenever I see one of my associates who has their mouth drop to the floor at my appearance and then asks me if I got run over by a garbage truck, do you think I just give up and quit? NO! I walk over there and give them a big hug until they give me money to get away from them...partially because of the smell, and partially because they feel sorry for me. But I have seen their fear! Their fear is a powerful thing! They know that what happened to us can happen to them! And yet they do not voice it, but deep down they are rooting for us, with the knowledge that if transgressions against us are committed, we still have the solid know-how and tenacity to overcome terminations and absolutely no equity to build another LLC that will wipe that stupid other corporation who railroaded us right off the financial map!
Siegel: [through tin can] Oh my god. Dan. That was beautiful! You need to come over where I am and teach these hobos a thing or two about that sort of eloquence.
Comptroller: Why? What's the matter?
Siegel: Well, you know how I've got a bunch of hobos working as independent contractors for raising cash? Most of them can handle doing the signs up correctly but when they're asked what sort of business we are, most of them just talk about our goals being to get rid of all the aliens that have infiltrated our government and to develop a new psychic mind control program to enslave the aliens living in the Titticaca Galaxy.
Comptroller: Oh, that's really...odd. How has that worked out for you?
Siegel: So far, so good. They've raised lots of donations so far, but I think the donors aren't getting it. I explained to this one guy yesterday in a Geo that right now we're primarily concerned with getting some sort of equity in a heavy industrial manufacturing plant.
Comptroller: Does this story have an end? Sorry, sorry. What did he say?
Siegel: Well, to cut it short, he thought I was an alien and attempted to reverse probe me to authenticate my terrestrial existence.
[There is a pregnant pause on the line and an awkward silence with confused and disgusted looks shared amongst the analysts and comptroller]
Siegel: I didn't let him. I hoofed it out of there. But I need people who can just explain it like you did on what our business goal is. I feel like we'd be raising more cash that way, and possibly finding a potential seller for equity.
Comptroller: Ok, but how much cash have you raised?
Siegel: Well, we've got about $98.57 but it's mostly in pennies and nickels. And they're all kind of sticky.
Comptroller: Ok, well keep doing what you're doing. It's obviously working, I mean, reverse probing aside. Stay out of that line of work.
Siegel: Yes sir. Do you want me to remain dialed in for the remainder?
Comptroller: Yeah, that'd be best. I want you to remain in the loop. Alright, McJames, I know you were tracking down a couple of leads for investors and you had a meeting with one of them, is that correct? [McJames nods his head] Yeah? Ok, so how did that one go?
Financial Analyst 2: I met with Smelton and Barney, LLP and explained that we wanted to leverage some sort of deal for equity in a target company.
Comptroller: Well, really the goal is to either create a company or take over an existing company with its own customer and manufacturing base. Right now we absolutely need the equity for loans and to get our feet on solid ground.
Financial Analyst 2: Well...if we took over a company, how would that be righting a wrong? I mean, wouldn't we just be screwing some poor schmucks over just like how we got screwed over?
Comptroller:....That's not the point. Finish what happened.
Financial Analyst 2: Anyway, they said that it was a bad idea for right now with everyone being nervous about the upcoming fiscal year. No one wants to sell their stock if it's doing relatively well or if they're expecting growth, and no one wants to acquire equity in a failing company, so we're sort of at an impasse for investors. Oh, plus they said the way we handled the merger kinda got us blacklisted among venture capitalists.
Comptroller: [grinding teeth] Dad....Dad...DADGUMMIT!
Siegel: I see junk bonds in the near future.
Comptroller: They're not junk bonds! They are high yield bonds!
Operations Analyst: Can we hurry this along? My shift at Burger King starts in 30 minutes and I'd like to check up on my portfolio before I start.
Comptroller: Yes, yes. Alright, you're next I believe. Siegel, this is our operations analyst, in case you wondering.
Siegel: I know who he is, sir. [whispers] Nimrod.
Comptroller: I heard that. Don't make me shout into this can and blow your eardrums out. Anyway, what do you have for us?
Operations Analyst: I've looked into the potential market and it's going to be obsolete in about 5 to 7 years. Microchips and sensors will be the way to go. Electronics vice mechanical. I think we were acquired through a lack of foresight on their part, or they possibly expected that switch to happen at a much slower pace. It's picked up quite a bit since we were terminated, mostly due to falling prices on electronics and sensors. But microchips, solenoids, sensors and control software...that's where the future is headed. It makes sense, too, after an initial capital investment, you'll be able to control your machinery through software with a minimum of people and a team of mechanics instead of having hundreds of operators at each piece working a PLC.
Comptroller: Hm. Ok. What we bring to the table, is that transmutable to any other industry?
Operations Analyst: Nah, everyone is making the switch, it's not just our industry. I mean, you can track packages not just at distribution centers, but through GPS transceiver units affixed to the packages. It's just a new world forming out there. And heck, I remember when I was lucky to receive a package in under four weeks.
Comptroller: Dang. Who here knows anything about gadgetry and gee-whiz stuff?
[Silence]
Siegel: Look, Dan, sir, I-WILL YOU GET OFF ME YOU SMELLY, STINKY MAN, I DON'T NEED ANOTHER-[Silence]
Comptroller: I hope he's not getting a reverted probe or whatever it was.
Siegel: Sorry, they get agitated sometimes...Look, we know we're good at creative thinking and coming up with uncommon solutions due to our uncommon minds. Why don't we start manufacturing or producing some sort of helmet or something to drown out alien mind control? I know there's a large market for it in my region, and I think they'd be willing to pay for whatever price we're asking. Plus the hobos could sell them with their contacts and be able to demonstrated its effectiveness at the same time.
Comptroller: [Looks around] That's a thought. I like it. There's only one problem and that is that there are no DADGUM ALIENS.
Operation Analyst: Hold on, we could just market it as a novelty item. I think it could work. We know there's a market there if Siegel's been able to raise that much cash. It could work and I don't think that market's been tapped. We'd have no competitors.
Comptroller: [Sighs] Well...Alright, we'll do it. But I don't want a word of this getting out to anyone, colleagues or otherwise. Dadgummit, we'll be the best manufacturers of the alien helmet probers this side of the galaxy! Ok, meeting adjourned, thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedules to stop by my office and joining in the teleconference. That last one was for you, Siegel.
Siegel: I know that [whispers] dummy.
Comptroller: I HEARD THAT!
Siegel: Well, gotta go!
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