Thursday, February 23, 2012

If things turned out differently

Lara and I are at the American Academy of Forensic Sciences convention. After meeting several of the people here, I can't help but wonder what my life would've been like had things turned out differently and I studied pathology slides and conducted gas chromatography-mass spectrometry for 35 years or so. What kind of crotchety, cantankerous person would I have become?

"Oh, ok. No, I know exactly what you're talking about. Dr. Newell is the leading expert in that field. Really the pioneer for that. You need to go talk to him about it. He can be a little...abrasive."
"Oh, ok...Good morning, Dr. Newell!"
"Yeah, it was a pretty good morning until you started talking to me!"
"Um, Dr. Newell I'd like-"
"You know what I'd like, young man? For you to drop dead and leave me the hell alone!"
"But Dr. Newell! I was hoping-"
"Hope? HOPE?! Fill your left hand up with hopes and dreams and take a crap in your right hand and let me know which one fills up faster!"

And for my recognition of research and hard work? Well, I'll just leave you with this scenario...
"...and this year's gag award goes to Dr. Howard [THAT'S TREY!] Trey Newell for the most crotchety researcher!"
I'd hobble up to the podium, whack the orator with my cane a few times and then grab the microphone and start yelling into it quite loudly: "I don't know what the hell kind of an organization this is handing out awards for me just telling it like it is! By golly if I were half as patient as you think I am I wouldn't even be here at the symposium! Now if you'll excuse me I forgot to take my geritol and fish oil capsules and goldurnit if you people aren't getting my dander up!"
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